Friday, April 13, 2018

wet paper bag

It's kind of like when you think of a great retort the next day, but it's way too late.  If I'd taught myself Russian twenty years ago, while Daniel was still alive, that would have made a world of difference.  He would have taken me travelling to Russia with him. Doing so would suddenly make a whole lot more sense, and it would have shown interest on my part, engagement.

I couldn't seem to figure out how to actually be interested or engaged.  Only anxious and lethargic.  It didn't occur to me that I could teach myself Russian.  Nor did it cross my mind, the various connections doing so potentiates, to life, to people, to living in the world.  I'd always been stuck in this limbo of thinking I'd be capable of things like learning languages, in general.  If I set my mind to it.  Yet, afraid get specific and set my mind to it, only to find that I couldn't.  Afraid it would be too difficult.  To concentrate, really.  To simply sit down and do it.  This is perplexing to me now, as I'm doing it and for no good reason.

I still haven't been back to training.  I went as far as to get all ready the day before yesterday, left my apartment, but my ribs were still pretty sore.  If my self diagnosis is accurate, it should take at least another week, while aggravating it will just make it worse.  I started thinking about how rough class can be even when I'm at my best, and decided it was probably still a bad idea.  I'm afraid of taking this much time off, though.  I don't trust my neurophysiology not to shift in some way for some reason, negating all of this.  I'm afraid breaking the routine of it might risk that.

It makes no sense and I really sympathize with how hard it can be to sympathize, but I'm afraid of how easily it seems I can open my eyes in the morning, unable to think of a single damn reason to ever get out of bed again.  Let alone reasons to do all sorts of other things.  Thinking can be a lot harder than it looks.

Friday, April 6, 2018

donut fries

Not to be confused with doughnuts.  Americans have a way of simplifying things, their bad spelling aptly reflects that.  It's like a step and a half up from neanderthal grunting.

Judging from the commercials that find me even on the internet now, this is how they eat.  It's a lot cheaper, too.  Buying any variety of vegetables adds up quickly, and most of them rot in just a few days.  It's taken me like twenty years to figure out how to cook them, and like realizing the emptiness of emptiness, that sometimes it's better not to.

I've been doing ok, I use lots of legumes, but I've known a lot of people who just grab something like donut fries instead.  Coffee, to help trick the body into thinking we just ate something substantial.  Not that I'd know anything about that myself. I've always liked simple coffee though.  The sorts of things they grab at Starbucks can be something else.

I get the munchies at night when I'm fasting, and I see videos like this in my feed.  Reading through as I ponder my latest one line critique of capitalism, there it is, taunting me.  I seem to have some kind of willpower, but getting myself to do things gets so much more complicated.  I keep slipping.  I figure it out again.  It's not that complicated, but I forget that I just need to decide to do things.  Wait, how does higher executive functioning work again?

My ribs are still too sore to do much, so I've become more acutely aware that I've been gradually doing less and less, already.  As if taking judo is some sort of excuse not to do much else.  Like there's some sort of "done stuff" quota that I need to fill - so that I can spend the rest of my time bored, wondering why I'm not doing anything?  I'm having trouble getting it through my head that doing stuff is good.  It even seems to put me in a better mood.  Doing nothing hasn't worked out well, and yet still, it's this incredibly labyrinthine task to keep that in mind, to keep pushing forward.

ya eshe ochen lenivets

Tuesday, April 3, 2018

month two

..and yeah, I've been overdoing it.  Trying to do BJJ/Judo twice a week, and my ribs are getting really sore.  Not quite healing before the next class, and getting a little worse each time.  Went up against this big guy today, easily more than twice my weight, and not afraid to use it to his advantage.  My ribs being weak and sore to begin with, did not handle that well.  It hurts to sneeze, let alone try to pull an armbar from guard.

I'm pretty sure I'll need to take a few days off, and switch to one grappling class a week.  Go back to more kickboxing classes instead.  They're ok, but they lack competition.  In my old school, we sparred just about every class, but here, they only spar during saturday's open gym, and I haven't made it to that, yet.  The free-form nature of it bothers me.  Finding someone to spar with becomes a more social process.

I think this is probably the only context in which I enjoy competition.  I've learned not to care about winning individual matches, so much as getting better at winning more generally.  Although I have gotten really good at losing.  I enjoy the practice, but without the competitive part, it feels like it's missing something important.

Not that big of a deal, but it's frustrating.  I'm bored and restless and not so good at pacing myself.  I'm pretty sure this is bordering on intercostal cartilage strain, though.  One of those things that doesn't get stronger with the stress, but rather gets worse and worse if not given time to heal.  It should get stronger if I do that.

Saturday, March 31, 2018

you humans all look the same

Passover was interesting this year.  My family was there, some extended family, and a friend of my cousin - and her husband, the jeet kune do kickboxing instructor from the martial arts school I just started a month ago.

It was surreal.  As we were introduced, he laughed and said we'd met ..but I couldn't place where.  He looked really familiar, but my brain was looking in all the wrong places, weddings, other family get-togethers.  I couldn't place who he was, and had to ask.

Combat Fitness, he offered, but I was still confused.  He had to go so far as to tell me that he teaches the class, before it clicked.  Doh!  I don't go to his class as often as some of the others, but still.  I guess I'm not so good with faces.  The difference in context really threw me.  

Got me thinking about how context dependent my awareness of other people can be.  I compartmentalize everything, to better cope with various people I deal with.  I was shocked to find someone in the wrong compartment, but I think I handled it ok.

I mean except for not even recognizing the guy.. and I wonder why I have trouble connecting with people.  I can hardly pay attention to superfluous details such as what their faces look like.

Monday, March 26, 2018


It's odd that I've become such a health nut.  I'm not trying to "eat healthy," just trying to avoid processed foods, breads and pastas. Meat, eggs, dairy.  Beer, coffee, sugar.  Anything without enough nutritional value. Once I learned how much is lost when you strip the bran hull to make white rice, eating brown rice just makes a whole lot more sense. Or sometimes quinoa.

I miss making lasagnas and quiches, but there's a lot that can be done with plants.  The amount of flavor you can get grinding up their seeds can be impressive.  I've gotten into the habit of doing this almost every day.  Well, not grinding my own spices, but cooking myself a big flavorful lunch ..before fasting.

Does it seem I'm getting carried away?  I'd have thought so myself, until reading about autophagy or rice bran or adenosine receptors.  Then it's a no-brainer, and honestly, it's not that difficult.  Changing habits can be difficult, but once I'm in the swing of doing things differently, going back seems unthinkable.  At least until life throws me back one way or another, but maybe that doesn't have to keep happening, right?

Another case in point, my body seems to have adapted well to the regular stress.  I'm no longer limping after class, or even the next day.  Sore an awful lot, but not cripplingly so, anymore.  I wonder if up-regulating autophagy helps with that.  As I understand, it should help with a lot of things.

All these things require thinking ahead in a way I haven't done so much before. They all make little to no difference in the short term.  Eating better feels better, but eating donuts feels pretty good too, so that can seem like a wash.  No, it's more about how eating too many donuts too often will feel after a year.  Five years.  Twenty years.

In theory, eating a donut with some coffee would be fine now and then, but once I'm out of the habit, I almost never get around to it.

Sunday, March 18, 2018

speaking of addiction

Walking home from BJJ class Thursday night, I thought about how I often question the point.  I thought about how much I enjoy it, and how that should be more than enough.  Not sure why I have so much doubt about it.  As I've been going to more classes, I've been getting back into the swing of it, my old skills gradually coming back to me.  My muscles getting back into shape enough to do what they're supposed to.  Sort of.  I have a ways to go.

Next class isn't until Tuesday.  I have some other bullshit to worry about in the meantime.  Land baron called, said the apartment needs to be inspected, next Thursday.  I hope it's just a routine thing, and not because they're selling the house.  That would be a huge hassle I don't want to have to deal with.  I also have to clean my apartment before then.  A small hassle, that I can't even deal with.

So, doing well, but could be better.  My apartment is messy again.  I keep thinking about what I'm doing differently, that might be making things more difficult.  Maybe I can scratch running off of that last, but I'm not sure.  It is a unique type of cardio that might be uniquely beneficial.  Lots of snow again, I've barely been able to run twice a month.  I ran out of that omega-3 stuff, maybe that's it.

I also stopped drinking coffee entirely.  Just tea once in a while, this past month or so.  I should probably try coffee a little more often.  I keep reading articles about how coffee drinkers live three times as long, can hold their breath for half an hour, and spontaneously learn coding.

I'm spending too much time at my computer.  That one occurred to me recently.  I don't know how it happened, but bad habits come creeping back.  Next thing I know, I'm sitting here all day, every day, not feeling like doing anything at all ever.  Still doing some things, but that's not the point.  I've been mostly doing lots of this, and feeling worse.

Pretty sure I need to put some discipline back into doing less.  Go back to meditating for a few hours a day if I have to.

Bah, just when I was starting to get the hang of Twitter.

Friday, March 16, 2018

new rules

I've been making lots of rules for myself lately.  Turning everything into daily rituals.  I don't know why I need to do this, but it seems to help me do all sorts of things that I need and want to do.  Without it, it's always never right now.

New rule being that after I meditate, I can check my PC as I eat breakfast, but have to get off within fifteen minutes or so of finishing my granola. Then a few hours later, after I've done a few things, I can cry about being tired, and.. what is it I do at the computer, again?  Mostly nothing.  It's just a zillion places to look for something to do.  Something to respond to or be angry about.  YouTube videos about theoretical physics and Mongolian street food, and there are always new articles about socialism and how much America sucks.

The vast majority of the time though, I'm just bouncing between these places, not even doing anything.  Just bored, looking for something to engage me, and distracted by that, itself.  If I must do something so painfully useless, it has to be at the end of the day, when I allow myself to get stoned anyhow, forgetting everything I'm supposed to be doing for a while.

Then I get all confused when my aunt calls and invites me to have dinner with them, for my cousin's birthday.  She gave me three hours notice, but still.  I'd just eaten my last meal for the day, my carefully planned intermittent fasting, where I cram as many calories as I can afford before two or three in the afternoon, so I won't be that hungry when I go to bed.  I don't eat again until that granola.

Around what I consider to be the end of the day, all going according to plan, until my aunt called.  I had to decline, with a bumbling explanation and apology.  She then invited me to see my uncle play jazz on Wednesday.  I can skip class for it, as long as I have a few days to plan around it.  Time to decide which other classes to go to instead.

Also stressed because my bathroom ceiling sprung a leak.  I suspect due to my upstairs neighbor spilling water all over the floor, eventually saturating the ceiling panel, which started to slump, tearing a small hole above my shower, where it connect to an adjacent panel.  Now I have to deal with this too.

I don't understand how people juggle all the crap they do.

but I guess maybe I can figure it out.