a frequent state of my existence, a restlessness, inability to focus on anything productive. ever shortening attention span, as i stave off the boredom by spending all my time on a computer. except, i don't currently own a working computer.
i'll probably remedy that soon, but with some degree of trepidation. maybe its not healthy, like self-medicating, making the problem worse by forever escaping from it. maybe it'd be good for me to go without it, until i can get my life together a bit. get back into a martial art, really need to do that as soon as i get settled here. but maybe even some sort of academia. or even work, too. never had a job, though. that's pretty odd, isn't it? so incredibly daunting, i can barely even imagine finally doing anything like that.
in any case, afraid if i get anything more than this macbook air to use, i'll never get my act together. well, the martial arts at least, that i'll do no question, but i know, as far as productivity goes, it doesn't count for much.
maybe i'm not really meant to be productive, though. like the gnarled old tree in the book of chuang tzu, the utility of futility. dunno, true enough, or could be a flaky excuse, depends on how you want to look at it.
but i do need to do something. jenny's at work, no computer to do anything serious with. serious gaming, right? well, there's photoshop, too. and just all the familiar utility i'm used to on a pc, that i can't seem to figure out on this little mac.
so yeah, feels like it'd be good to have something to work on, some sort of something i'm supposed to be doing. something worth something to someone. i don't know. never seem to be able to get a handle on that. just spend most of my time trying to stay sane without all the distractions and purposefulness that seems to do it for most people.
maybe blogging will help..