Sometimes people find out i'm on disability, and they seem to not only wonder why, but how I expect to get anywhere in life without doing more. It's as if it doesn't t occur to them that this is something that I've been trying to figure out my whole life.
It's all too easy to fall into the trap of dwelling on how differently my life could have gone. How what I'd really want to do, would involve things going very differently for me, decades ago. I'm almost forty, and the longer my life goes on this way, the more impossible it gets to even imagine doing anything differently.
I wish I'd had someone to help me get through school, when I went off the rails way back then. I wish I'd followed a path into science, computers, engineering. I could have landed myself somewhere serious, like MIT, and made something of myself. Maybe even lived up to some of that potential everyone seemed to think I had, when I was a kid.
but now.. I have to aim lower. Maybe a whole lot lower. I need to figure out what my options are. Realistically. I need to aim higher than flipping burgers or stocking shelves. but I don't even know. People are so full of drunk sincerity, it can feel impossible to get real answers about what my prospects are. Of doing something that would be at least somewhat rewarding and engaging for me.
because this isn't even just about money. this isn't how I want to spend my entire life. aimless, drifting, no fucking clue what to do with myself. Even if nothing else, it is unbearably boring. I just don't know how I can get out of this ever deepening hole, of just living day to day, the only way I know how.
isn't that pretty much true of everyone, though?