Friday, November 23, 2012

if wishes were horses

Sometimes people find out i'm on disability, and they seem to not only wonder why, but how I expect to get anywhere in life without doing more. It's as if it doesn't t occur to them that this is something that I've been trying to figure out my whole life.

It's all too easy to fall into the trap of dwelling on how differently my life could have gone. How what I'd really want to do, would involve things going very differently for me, decades ago. I'm almost forty, and the longer my life goes on this way, the more impossible it gets to even imagine doing anything differently.

I wish I'd had someone to help me get through school, when I went off the rails way back then. I wish I'd followed a path into science, computers, engineering. I could have landed myself somewhere serious, like MIT, and made something of myself.  Maybe even lived up to some of that potential everyone seemed to think I had, when I was a kid.

but now.. I have to aim lower. Maybe a whole lot lower. I need to figure out what my options are. Realistically.  I need to aim higher than flipping burgers or stocking shelves. but I don't even know.  People are so full of drunk sincerity, it can feel impossible to get real answers about what my prospects are. Of doing something that would be at least somewhat rewarding and engaging for me.

because this isn't even just about money. this isn't how I want to spend my entire life. aimless, drifting, no fucking clue what to do with myself. Even if nothing else, it is unbearably boring.  I just don't know how I can get out of this ever deepening hole, of just living day to day, the only way I know how.

isn't that pretty much true of everyone, though?

3 comments:

fumigato said...

"I wish I'd had someone to help me get through school, when I went off the rails way back then. I wish I'd followed a path into science, computers, engineering. I could have landed myself somewhere serious, like MIT, and made something of myself. Maybe even lived up to some of that potential everyone seemed to think I had, when I was a kid"

Yah, no shit for sure. I tried to pursue a scholastic path into the glamorous world of industrial design at the beginning of last year, only to find out that apparently both middle school and high school are sort of prerequisites. Elitist American pig-dogs.

I think most people have these typical life experience milestones, like learning how to socialize, how to assert leadership, etc.--things that most people seem to have grasped--at least most reasonably intelligent people--by the time they cruise into college (or high school even!). Some people don't even start to get it until they are in their 30s and barely treading water at a community college. Who knew that classroom discussions were *fun* and illuminating in ways I'd never experienced. Stupid normal people, why must they always flaunt their normalcy?

"Of doing something that would be at least somewhat rewarding and engaging for me."

Handicrafts? Build a 3d printer and prototype bizarre inventions that defy usefulness (I can never get mine off the page, but I'll get there yet).

" aimless, drifting, no fucking clue what to do with myself. "

Yah, one thing I've discovered in my brief couple years of sobriety: life sucks without passion, with projects to slavor over. If I'm not working on a project, I'm hating everything and tend to distraction (reading so fucking much! I can't get into games anymore, it's feel wasteful like watching sitcom reruns of a show I never cared much for anyways).

Motivation is the key. I think there are igneous rock formations that have more energy and drive that I do. Enter Adderall: without it I am just another nameless, amorphous lump of dung the beetle of iniquity rolls about, exerting little-to-no influence, aimlessly floating towards who-gives-a-fuck and how-did-i-end-up-like-this. Projects and low-dosage stimulants, that's the only decent answer I've been able to come up with.

Joshua Abell said...

Yes, a project would be great. Something to obsess over. My brain doesn't like to cooperate, though. Can't seem to find things that can hold my terrible attention span. Can't seem to find a drug that remedies the problem.

Joshua Abell said...

Blogging is my best attempt at that, really. Just writing something, for the sake of doing anything at all.