Tuesday, January 29, 2013

darker than black


as I've aged well into my thirties, it's felt like I've been seeing my past from a whole other angle.  It no longer feels like just yesterday.  It no longer feels like I'm still reeling, having just gone through it.  Rather, it feels almost surreal, looking back on the lot of it.  It all looks so very far away.  With this sort of detachment, it looks like so much random craziness.  It looks like nothing means as much as I thought it did.

Maybe it's because I keep moving.  In each place, entirely different circumstances, entirely different daily routines.  Like different lives.  A life even more segmented by my poor ability to bridge the space created each time I've moved.  I don't drive, I'm not social enough to keep in touch.  Honestly, I usually even hate just leaving the apartment.

I think that on some deep level, our sense of reality is intertwined with people we've known.  As we've known them.  Something that arises with consensus, our mechanisms for making sense of things together.  The constant process of teaching and learning that permeates our social behavior, and has been such a part of civilization's ever evolving formation.

Maybe it's just me, but I'm more inclined to think that I might just be more sensitive to it than most.  Maybe this is why it disturbs me in this odd way, to feel so far from all these people I've known.  It's a scary feeling, like being lost in the middle of nowhere, with way too much darkness just beyond my immediate space.

Reality is what we make it to be, in the sense that without us socially making anything of it, it isn't anything that means anything at all.  Somehow, I find this to be a rather terrifying prospect.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

haters gonna hate and all but damn...


This page looks pretty bad.

i see people point out that they're all white, but i feel like, yeah of course, but there's gotta be more to it.  places i've lived, people i've known.. i know some people are that bad, but not to the point of feeling like they can be totally public, honest, and out there about it.  not so many.

so, what's different, now?  is it that we're all more connected than ever, with even the most backwards among us, learning how 2 type stuff out there on the internet?  places i've lived have always been pretty blue.  is this just normal over there in texas?

some think maybe kids are worse these days, but i remember being a kid.  they're pretty terrible, for a while there.  is it now, their internet communications are just making it more overt?

or something else, entirely.  some people do seem to hate obama more than other presidents.  there's always been some partisan hate, some anarchist hate, even.  but this sort of stuff seems different somehow.  more extreme, more widespread.  these aren't overzealous partisan political types.  these are low-information who-gives-a-fuck-about-voting types.

so there's the racist angle, of course.  sure, there's some of that, but again.  it just feels off too me.  it feels like even that doesn't quite fit all of it.  and so putting two and two together, i started thinking about how obama is also more loved than most presidents.  people who like him really like him.  again, some might point to the race element, but no, i think it's more because he's such a great speaker.  even some of his worst opposition refer to his silver-tongue, and the like.

he inspires people, he gives them hope.  i think for people who don't get that, his positive energy just pisses them off.  i know this sounds like a stretch, but i think it's the extreme apathists that he's upsetting so much.  it's might as well be the proselytizing of a huge religious authority they don't believe in.

people who hate politics, think all politicians are corrupt, and there's no point even reading the news, because that's probably all corrupt too.  these are bitter unhappy people who make excuses for the more simple fact that they really don't care what's going on outside their immediate sphere of existence and understanding.  all they know is that their paycheck would be higher, if they didn't have to pay taxes.  i'm inclined to think maybe a lot of these people are just normal stupid types, who are sick of hearing obama this, and obama that.  they're all stealing our money and ruining the country, but this one's especially vocal about it.

plus they're racist, but more than that, these are people who don't even think about what they're saying.  and now they have twitter.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

class warfare

when i started watching Eugene Jerecki's The House I Live In, from everything I'd seen about the movie, I thought it was going to be about how the war on drugs is really a race war.  Modern day slavery, concentration camps, incarcerations.  By a staggering margin, leveled primarily at minorities.  In the end, though, it hit a little closer to home.

It is a war on the lower class, the dead weight of society.  People most likely to commit crimes, least likely to work, people who often need help paying for health care, or even food and shelter.  And this includes all the different reasons therein, for which one might end up as such a person.  Be it systemic racial discrimination, or just plain old being buried by a life of unfortunate circumstances and hardships.

These are also the people most prone to escapism.  Turning to drugs just to cope with the bullshit life turned out to be.  Not that it's utterly impossible to get out of it, but most of us are just trying to live.  We aren't blessed with the neurochemistry of an overachiever, who runs marathons even if they're a paraplegic who has to do it on arm stilts, made themselves out of popsicle sticks.

We're just trying to get from day to day, and make the most of it.  We assess our prospects of making more of ourselves, and try to make the best call we can, as to whether it'd be more realistic to just get drunk.  Or high.  Whatever works.  Lot of people learn the hard way that fighting for something more just doesn't work.  It's just not how life goes.  We make the most of what we have.

It's all so very complicated, and while some are bound to disagree, I think the bottom line is in the simple realities of it.  What happens, not what should happen, or why.  You've got this subset of society that has a much higher rate of recreational drug use, self-medicating, or just coping.  Some civilizations might seek to better themselves by discarding those people.  Find a way to vilify them, justify marginalizing them as much as possible. eventually even eradicate them.

Other civilizations might take a longer view, maybe feel that if you put the resources into lifting those same people up, they might eventually contribute.  In the end, for a more prosperous society overall.  It's a bit of a stretch though.  Takes a certain faith in our fellow man, maybe.  I'm not sure we're quite there, yet.

There isn't even that much of a choice, though.  This comes down to a direction humanity is heading in, where the economy is driven by systems of commodities that are growing more and more efficient, requiring less and less people to supply.

Unemployment rates are going to keep going up.  Work ethic is fading.  It will reach a point where no amount of self-serving systems of discarding the lower class will be able to compete with the masses of people who contribute to a functioning society on a much deeper level than economics.  The ever evolving social foundation of humanity, which holds everything else up.

Friday, January 4, 2013

lesser of two evils

I've always noticed that the goal posts of life seem to shift with my mood.  What I'm aiming for, how well it's in line with where I'm actually going.  I think that these things are entirely subjective.  A matter of perspective.

Is the brain just a complex organic means to signal the rest of the system towards gratification, and away from pain?  Towards survival and away from death?  The more complex a brain evolves to be, the more elaborate and convoluted the detection and reaction becomes, but ultimately, still just a simple dualistic system.

In everything we strive for, we do so from this internal compass.  Good is this way, bad is that way, but we also try to judge how far.  How attainable is the good we're aiming for, how likely is that bad to catch us, anyhow?  It's all a matter of judgement, including which direction is which, and how far we think we can go, relative to where exactly we think we are.

It's all an entirely imaginary landscape, we form in our best attempts to survive a reality that we can only measure indirectly, through our senses, our tools, and our deductive abilities.  We can explain it, but we can't ever experience it as it truly is.  The physics of the world, so very different from what our senses tell us.

So, we tend to look at everything through this lense of duality.  Is where we're going good?  Good enough?  Bad?  Catastrophically bad?   We are all trying to survive, prosper, to the best of our abilities, and maybe even figure out what that actually means, exactly.   It all feels so very real, but it isn't a description of how to figure out what's real.