Tuesday, March 4, 2014

To hell with SWIM, this is me

Until recently, I've been smoking marijuana pretty regularly.  Not a lot of it at once, but just about every day ..except, I've run out, and I have no way of getting more.

I've been rationing it out for quite a while now, hence the decline in my blog quality and quantity.  Ever since the FBI's goons pillaged Silk Road.  Getting it any other way's been exceptionally difficult, because I've always been a social basket-case.  I don't know anyone, I don't have any friends, let alone know any dealers.

Late September of last year, the last time I was able to make a purchase decision, I made a bad choice too, adding insult to injury.  An indica strain, way too much CBD for my taste.   Best known for being the part which makes a user sleepy.  Also, may be the part that works for some types of pain.  At least, that's something I read recently, but I don't know.  It definitely makes me sleepy, though.  Best sleeping medication ever, but I have enough trouble staying awake, as it is.

Which is why I prefer a good sativa.  Higher in THC.  Known for being uplifting and boosting creativity.  Sativa strains tend to yield a more cerebral high, while the CBD still works in combination, to ease my obsessive anxiety.  Works better than any psychiatric prescription meds I've ever tried.  Prozac, Paxil, Wellbutrin, Klonopin, Ritalin, Effexor, Zoloft, Strattera..  I'm probably forgetting a few, but don't tell me I haven't tried.  Can't help but wonder if pharmaceutical companies fight tooth and nail to preserve prohibition, because the alternatives they peddle are garbage.

A single hit, though, and I can pull myself together, I can function, it helps me enjoy this seriously fucked up broken life I'm leading.  I can focus, for fuck's sake.  I can read the news, and actually pay attention to what it says.  Suffice to say, I normally have a huge problem with that.  If marijuana's a gateway drug, it's only been a gateway to me becoming a news junkie.

How is this anything like how weed's portrayed, though?  It just makes people stupid, forgetful. At best, maybe silly.  Right?  We've all tried it, and that about sums it up, kinda sorta, well enough?  That may be a negative way to spin it, but it's not entirely wrong?  There's still an argument to be made for wondering what's so bad about indulging in something like that, given all the time most people spend watching television, drinking booze, and everything else that makes them the rocket scientists they are.. but for me, there's more to it than that.

Seems like most people just get bored of it after a while, after they build a bit of a tolerance, they lose interest.  Most casual smokers I've known have gone this way.  Maybe their neurochemistry is such that it's not all the beneficial.  Whatever the reason, they move on.  They assume this is all cannabis does for anyone.  Maybe if it's ever legalized and properly studied, they'll understand why.  I'm going to guess it involves something a lot more interesting than mere tolerance, because this adjustment affects other people quite differently.

Some of its effects are definitely diminished after a while.  I haven't literally rolled around on the floor laughing in years.  I don't forget what I was saying, every other sentence.  As a matter of fact, I think I actually forget what I'm saying decidedly less than when I'm sober.  What I'm saying doesn't seem quite so likely to be the gibberish anymore, either - but you tell me;  I've just about typed this entire blog, all potted up on weed.  Because oh yeah, it also helps me feel motivated to do this sort of thing.  Create.  Express myself.  Not feel quite so paralyzed by whatever the hell's been paralyzing me, my whole life.

Must be a vicious circle then, huh?  Except no, I just started a few years ago.  I went the first thirty, pretty much without touching the stuff.  I tried it, but could literally count the number of times over two decades, on one hand.   Largely because I bought at least some of the bullshit about it.  I didn't condemn it anymore, the way I did as an obnoxiously straight-edge teenager, but it still struck me as somehow beneath me.  Something that rots your brain, like television or booze.  An unhealthy vice that was better avoided.

I'm still not big on that sort of thing. Over the years, I've eventually tried a lot of drugs, not the least of which being liquor, but I'm just not an addictive personality.  Adderal to Dilaudid, Xanax to Psilocybin, they all have their place, but I certainly don't want to be using them every day.

Marijuana, though.  Yes, more like coffee, my quality of life is dramatically improved by it.  Every day. I'd love to be the sort of person who has no use for caffeine, but I'm just not.  I've spent enough years trying to be, but come on.  I'm sick to death of being exhausted and miserable all the time.  I'm doing the best I can.  I'm being entirely judicious about it.  I am not diminishing myself, impairing myself, or even using it as an escape.  This is not like alcohol or opiates, it's not about numbing myself, or zoning out.  This is something that really helps me.  A crutch of sorts, but sometimes the wisest thing is to accept that maybe a crutch isn't really such a bad idea.

What happens when I stop using this dangerous schedule 1 substance, though?  When I run out?  Nothing.  It's depressing, but nothing.  I've smoked almost every day, for over a year, but abruptly stop cold turkey.. and no withdrawal whatsoever.  Do you have any idea how much it sucks if I attempt to stop drinking coffee like that?

I hate all the stigma, the idea that I should keep all this a secret, because some people won't understand.  Some might just think I'm some sort of idiot stoner.  I'm tired of it, but it's certainly never going to change, if people stay quiet about it.  Carl Sagan wrote about his love of cannabis, back in 1969, but under a pseudonym, lest it tank his career - regular use certainly didn't.  Good thing I don't have any sort of career to worry about, but tell me again how it's just a retard pill..

I'm even more tired of it being illegal, of course.  It's such bullshit.  In so many ways, that it's illegal is just nothing but pure evil bullshit.. but there's already plenty of info all over the internet about that.  I'm just trying to express what it does for me, personally.  As someone who may not technically have a medicinal need for it, but considers it pretty damn important, just the same.

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