Thursday, March 27, 2014

overthinking overfeeling

A cliche question, but what is it to be in love?  I understand caring about someone, I understand respect, I understand sentimentality, I understand attraction, I understand being a team, working towards a better life together.

I understand all these different components, but falling in love?  Being in love?  Terms for chemistry in our own minds.  Related to all of those other factors, but still just a chemical state.  An emotion that also depends on our own neurology, internal and external circumstances, and our capacity to feel such a thing.

Like taking an opiate, a rush that won't affect everyone the same way.  A rush that tends to be fleeting, in most people.  Something that probably shouldn't be pursued too directly, because it's just the byproduct of all these other factors.  It's a juvenile fantasy to think it's going to play out like a faerie tale, and might last forever, if only you could meet that perfectly fitting someone.

Like a junkie always chasing after the high of their initial experiences, a person only sabotages their relationships, if they insist on demanding that high.  Imagining the wide open possibilities, jumping from relationship to relationship.. of course this will lift your spirits for a while, but where does it lead?  It's an immature pursuit of novelty that's just going to leave us burned out and lonely.

If you care about someone, respect them, appreciate who they are, have fond memories together, but find romance itself fading, maybe it's because you're not doing it right.  Maybe it's something to be worked on, together.

Not something to be thrown away, to go looking for someone else, someone you don't know, someone who will be new and interesting for a while, only to leave you feeling the same way eventually.  Our emotions will still play out the same ways, as long as we don't understand ourselves, and the role we play in the process.  In the end, you will still be you.

As stubborn as you'll always be.  I'll miss you.


1 comment:

oldgeorge said...

What a beautifully written and very thoughtful essay. Every word was like an arrow through my heart. I'm still grieving for a lost love from 30 years ago, a young woman who was 'addicted' to affection, soaking it up like a sponge, then slipping away from me as she was then attracted to another guy who was seriously abusive emotionally and physically. I never understood why, and your words have led me to understand her behaviors much better than before. Thank you for providing me with a new perspective on my own past 'chemistry experiments'.