Saturday, June 14, 2014

brain damaged

A lot changed when I was about 16, but for the longest time, I assumed it to be predominantly related to the changes in circumstance.  Moving to Long Island, failing to adjust, sinking into depression.. it all seemed self-explanatory.

That's also when I stopped taking growth hormone, though.  When starting GH therapy, it takes a few months to work its way into the system, so it makes sense that it may take a few months to fade out.  It wasn't obvious, at the time.  It was before the days of Google, or even Altavista.  It was before the studies had even been done, showing how much more growth hormone does, than just cause kids to grow up.

Look it up now, though, and there are two symptoms of deficiency that really stand out.  Lethargy, and a lack of motivation.  Sounds pretty similar to depression, easy to confuse, especially in a sensitive neurotic sort like myself.. but even still, what does a lack of motivation mean, really?  We all know this is something people need to take responsibility for.  If I didn't do this, or do that, or do much of anything at all.. does that really qualify as a clinical lack of motivation?

It wasn't until this morning, 23 years later, that it occurred to me that amidst everything else that I stopped doing, that's precisely when I stopped creating.  I stopped drawing.  I stopped painting.  Ever since, I've felt like an artist that lost the spark to actually create art.  Back then, I just figured that maybe I wasn't really much of an artist after all.  I've dabbled in various ways, got pretty good with Photoshop and the like, but just wasn't driven anymore.  It became something I could do, if I had a good reason, but was no longer something I felt all that motivated to do.

These aren't mystical forces that come from a strong sense of character, a bootstrapped positive attitude, or the depths of the human soul.  This isn't magic.  This is brain chemistry.  Empty Sella Syndrome is essentially a type of brain damage.  I'm not even sure how much of it might still be treatable, and how much may have become neurologically hardwired from decades of working the way it has.  A lot of it has more to with development than current chemistry levels.  Or how well supplementation really compares to actually having a pituitary gland.. but at the very least, I know I should find out.

Now, I'm waiting to be approved for Medicaid.  Yet again.  Then I have to find a doctor, and navigate that whole system.  Not for the first time, I tried to do this years ago, but got derailed by various logistical issues.  I had trouble making the case to my insurance provider that it was Medically Necessary, since going untreated won't actually kill me.  Not directly.  The nearest hospital that offered treatment was an hour and half drive away, and I've never been able to afford a car.  Then my endocrinologist moved away, and I had to find a new one.  I tried to make do, but things fell apart and I gave up.  Guess I just wasn't motivated enough.

It should be much easier in Montclair.. and times have changed, it may be easier all around.   I intend to try again.. but I'm not very good at this.. and by this, I mean, I'm not very good at doing much of anything.

I may need some help.

No comments: