Sunday, July 27, 2014

mind at the end of its tether

I've still been pretty hopeless, lately. without hope.  and it makes it extra tough to deal with all the other shit I've always had trouble dealing with.

I'm trying to hold onto my intention to get an endocrinologist treating me, but that's in no small part due to the fact that it feels like the only strand I've got left to hold onto.  Why haven't I done it before?  I have to admit that it's because I don't expect all that much from it.  Even after all I've read, I can't really imagine being any other way.

Maybe it's just that this is how I've been for so long, I expect it to be hard wired into my routines, by now.  Or maybe its just the common delusion that who are at any given moment defines us in some reliable way, something that won't possibly change, with some mere adjustment to hormone levels - but then of course, it does.  Because if we're not all brain chemistry, neurology as much as endocrinology, then what are we?  Magic?  Sure, if you insist, I'll say it's possible, but seriously, not very likely.  Personally, I'd rather bet on the science and causal logic of it.

So on one level, I go back and forth about this, but on another, I just don't believe in any of this wussie medical science mumbo-jumbo.  I am what I am, and I just gotta keep trying to suck it up.  I just need to have faith in the magicness of good intentions.  Or something like that.

It's just that I can't keep doing that.  I'm now in a sense, homeless.  I can't stay here for long, or even at all in good faith, if I don't try to get myself together.  I have nothing left, but that tenuous strand of hope, so that I don't have to face being out of options entirely.

It is difficult for me to set that aside, to get myself to my grandmother's 90th birthday get together.  It's not like I drive or anything.  It's trains and planes and being away from my room for I don't even know how long. and I'm just so anxious and goddamn tired, exhausted all the time.