Friday, September 5, 2014

going in circles

My neurochemistry is fucked up.
Have I mentioned that?  Oh right, I bring it up almost every day, like a tired worn out old excuse.  As people often do, excuses are repeated the most, when they don't seem to be working.  We repeat what we believe to be the honest truth, over and over.

In every way we can think of, in the hopes that maybe it will eventually be understood.  Instead, people just get sick of hearing it.

It's strange, how when it comes to all sorts of things, everyone seems to insist on believing whatever they want to believe.  We talk as if we're all so rational, as if our every decision is based on our best possible attempt at a well thought out logical decision.. and then go fucking everything up, same as we always have.

I am forced to have this dialogue with myself.  Going over the ramifications of biochemistry on our beliefs about free will, again.  Who really does find something new and interesting to discuss every day?  No, things start to feel the most circular when we really don't like hearing them, in the first place.  So yeah, oddly enough, I've had to spend most of life talking to myself.  Posting it publicly, just so that there will be some record of my existence, beyond the vague memories people have of an awkward quiet person who mostly just keeps to himself.

Repetitive as it may be, this is who I am, but everyone I've ever known is similarly repetitive.  We have our beliefs, our patterns of thought, behavior, and conversational interests - and the uncanny tendency to find our way back to it all, no matter what happens.  When we relate well to others, these patterns tend to feel like a good thing.  When we don't relate so well, we get sick of hearing about it.

The biochemistry of experience is all we ever really know. It is the closest thing to an actual substance known as self or will.  It's all anyone is, and whether it's fucked up or not really depends on what we're trying to do with it.  Are we striving to be something different, or working with what we've got?  Are we living a life that's conducive to our potential, or flopping around like a fish out of water?  Do our relationships reinforce our sense of self, or undermine it?  Do we live in a world, in which we function adequately, or one for which we're painfully ill-equipped?

So yeah, I'm feeling pretty fucked up, these days.  I'm depressed, I'm tired, I try not to think about the future in any way, because I can't even imagine how I have one.  At this point in my life, I'm feeling like an experiment that's failed.  I guess for a long time, I held onto the idea that I could figure out some way to make it work.  Or I could find my way into circumstances that I could work with.  I thought that one way or another, I'd figure something out.  Who I am isn't working out, though.

Self-esteem based on what we think of ourselves requires the luxury of circumstances that allow it to matter.  Relationships to life and the people around us, in which it matters.

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