Saturday, October 25, 2014

leo the not blooming at all, ever

when i was little, i stopped growing, but that was just the tip of the iceberg i was about to run afoul of. it was a condition that totally dominated my life, in all sorts of ways other people didn't seem to realize, and had to get daily shots, but i just had to hang in there.

i always had the idea that i just needed those shots to catch up with everyone else.  i learned to be very patient ..but it never happened.  i reached my full height, but still looked very young.  i looked maybe 14, when i was in my twenties.  now i've got greying hair, and bags under my eyes, so i'm not mistaken for a teenager anymore, as long as the lighting isn't too bad.  now i'm just this juxtaposition of young and old that really isn't an improvement.

it's never going to be an improvement.  i spent 30 years waiting to grow up, only to realize it wasn't going to happen.  i just get to skip being an adult, right into getting old - but i'm not really talking about my appearance.

i don't know exactly why this seems to be both physical and psychological.  maybe it's just development gone awry, but i think it could be a hormonal issue.  much the way certain stages are triggered in muscle and bone development.  there could be neurological changes that medical science doesn't even know about, yet.  young adults certainly go through changes.  it isn't really that far fetched to suspect there may be some biological factors to those personality changes.

it would then be an even further stretch to pin that all on growth hormone, but given the way it physically plays into aging.  given psychological problems i've had a hell of a time ever making heads or tails of.. just maybe there is something substantial to this feeling i have, that i can't for the life of me figure out how to grow the hell up.

maybe there's nothing to figure out.  i'm not going to be a late bloomer.  i'm not going to catch up.  somehow, that feeling i had, of waiting, of my problems being temporary, of just needing to ride it out.  somehow that seems to have stayed with me.  it's been horrifying to realize that no, that was it.  that was my adulthood, and it's very likely to just go downhill from here.

the worst part of all this is really that it's an excruciatingly lonely isolating state to spend my entire life in.

Saturday, October 18, 2014


nan was talking earlier, about how she stays up late, because that time after dinner is the only down time she has.  despite needing to be up at 5am, after a hard days work, she cherishes that time, and loathes the prospect of skipping it just to get to bed earlier.

i, of course, thought, yeah, i know what you mean.  i feel the exact same way.  not to be unsympathetic, of course i don't respond this way.  it just got me thinking.  i do feel similarly, odd as that may seem.

except instead of actually working, i just spend all day stressed out and exhausted for no reason.  instead of just staying up until midnight, i'm more inclined to stay up all night, dreading that i'll have to face the next day at all, ever.

i spend enough time wondering why i feel terrible, but maybe the bigger mystery is why i feel better at night.

sometimes, i miss the days when i'd entertain explanations such as just maybe, i'm too empathically sensitive to other people.  that all day, i feel barraged from all sides, by the stress and exhaustion of all the work they're doing.  as they finally relax and go to sleep, it feels like such a relief.

more likely though, it's psychological.  people going about their lives makes me really anxious. i feel especially terrible about not having a life and just vegetating all day, while they're all running around.  once it's dark, and they're winding down and going to sleep, the pressure to get my own shit together subsides.  not like there's much anyone can expect me to do at 2am, anyhow.

another possibility turns out to be that it could be biological.  there are natural changes in hormones like cortisol and gh, at night.  that's part of what makes normal people mostly diurnal.  it's still a guess, but it would be the simplest explanation of all.  i prefer to be up all night, because i just feel like it.

come to think of it, i suspect that's the explanation at the core of a whole lot of what we do.  we like to pretend it's more cerebral than that, but i'm having some serious doubts.  we follow our biological imperatives, we take the opportunities we can, and mostly just use reason to explain why everyone else is doing it wrong.

Friday, October 17, 2014

life is too hard

for the longest time, i tried to embrace my problems, i tried to spin all the difficulties i've had in life, in a positive way.  it seemed a whole lot better than feeling sorry for myself.  i guess it's been somewhat alienating though, to be proud of the kind of person i've been.

e.g. i'm not a night person for any special reason, i just find it a hell of a lot easier to cope with being me, when everyone else is asleep.  is it better or worse, for me to be honest about that?

maybe i've even given the impression that these were choices i've made, but come on.  who in their right mind would choose to live this way.  i'm just trying to survive.  i don't understand why that's so much to ask.  i don't think it's particularly realistic to strive for a whole lot more than that.  i'm barely holding on, as it is.

i am feeling especially depressed lately.  my endocrinologist wasn't very optimistic about insurance covering my treatment.  not that i don't need it, but that it's especially rare and expensive means a much higher bar, as far as defining medical necessity to my insurance provider.  i was hoping some progress had been made on that front.

mark my words, someday soon, it's going to be common knowledge just how important hormones are, even to who we are.. but i guess we're not quite there, yet.  the problems i've had all my life are still being chalked up to my weakness of character, as far as our nation's health care system is concerned.

i guess that's been dragging me down.  i may need to face that this is my life.  i can try to hold onto it, or not, but that's about it.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

my morning walk to umdnj

my endocrinologist appt was today.  i had to catch the 6am train to newark, and then walk a mile and a half through the quaint little town that it is.  but i got there.  only to find out they had no record of me.  no record of my appt.  whoever took the appt screwed up.

something to do with one building not being able to make appointments for another building.

i'm not sure what the big deal was, given that as i listened to others checking in, i realized that everyone in the room had an appt to see the same doctor, at the same time.  as i was supposed to.  and maybe not coincidentally, it's also when the place opens.  i got the impression they don't really have an appointment system, per se.

and yet, now i have another appt next week.  i'm not sure this one was made properly either, because i didn't have the referral on hand, to give all the info necessary, but was told they could fill it in later.  i'm not sure if i'm supposed to call to fill that in or just show up with the referral at the appointed time.

i should have asked, but i just wanted to get the hell out of there, before i started yelling, "are you fucking kidding me," at the nurse who wasn't the one that did anything wrong.

this is too much like what happened last time, in pittsfield.  i'm trying, but i'm exhausted, and they just keep throwing up roadblocks, every step of the way.  seems like the most expensive healthcare system in the world spends most of its resources on trying to discourage people from getting any health care.

oh, and on a related note, i'm now being spammed with insurance and health provider info... from the state insurance system in Illinois.  Yeah, would have been really nice to have gotten that a few years ago.  Like, when I was originally approved for it.  While I still lived there.