Saturday, October 25, 2014

leo the not blooming at all, ever


when i was little, i stopped growing, but that was just the tip of the iceberg i was about to run afoul of. it was a condition that totally dominated my life, in all sorts of ways other people didn't seem to realize, and had to get daily shots, but i just had to hang in there.

i always had the idea that i just needed those shots to catch up with everyone else.  i learned to be very patient ..but it never happened.  i reached my full height, but still looked very young.  i looked maybe 14, when i was in my twenties.  now i've got greying hair, and bags under my eyes, so i'm not mistaken for a teenager anymore, as long as the lighting isn't too bad.  now i'm just this juxtaposition of young and old that really isn't an improvement.

it's never going to be an improvement.  i spent 30 years waiting to grow up, only to realize it wasn't going to happen.  i just get to skip being an adult, right into getting old - but i'm not really talking about my appearance.

i don't know exactly why this seems to be both physical and psychological.  maybe it's just development gone awry, but i think it could be a hormonal issue.  much the way certain stages are triggered in muscle and bone development.  there could be neurological changes that medical science doesn't even know about, yet.  young adults certainly go through changes.  it isn't really that far fetched to suspect there may be some biological factors to those personality changes.

it would then be an even further stretch to pin that all on growth hormone, but given the way it physically plays into aging.  given psychological problems i've had a hell of a time ever making heads or tails of.. just maybe there is something substantial to this feeling i have, that i can't for the life of me figure out how to grow the hell up.

maybe there's nothing to figure out.  i'm not going to be a late bloomer.  i'm not going to catch up.  somehow, that feeling i had, of waiting, of my problems being temporary, of just needing to ride it out.  somehow that seems to have stayed with me.  it's been horrifying to realize that no, that was it.  that was my adulthood, and it's very likely to just go downhill from here.

the worst part of all this is really that it's an excruciatingly lonely isolating state to spend my entire life in.

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