Saturday, October 18, 2014

nocturne

nan was talking earlier, about how she stays up late, because that time after dinner is the only down time she has.  despite needing to be up at 5am, after a hard days work, she cherishes that time, and loathes the prospect of skipping it just to get to bed earlier.

i, of course, thought, yeah, i know what you mean.  i feel the exact same way.  not to be unsympathetic, of course i don't respond this way.  it just got me thinking.  i do feel similarly, odd as that may seem.

except instead of actually working, i just spend all day stressed out and exhausted for no reason.  instead of just staying up until midnight, i'm more inclined to stay up all night, dreading that i'll have to face the next day at all, ever.

i spend enough time wondering why i feel terrible, but maybe the bigger mystery is why i feel better at night.

sometimes, i miss the days when i'd entertain explanations such as just maybe, i'm too empathically sensitive to other people.  that all day, i feel barraged from all sides, by the stress and exhaustion of all the work they're doing.  as they finally relax and go to sleep, it feels like such a relief.

more likely though, it's psychological.  people going about their lives makes me really anxious. i feel especially terrible about not having a life and just vegetating all day, while they're all running around.  once it's dark, and they're winding down and going to sleep, the pressure to get my own shit together subsides.  not like there's much anyone can expect me to do at 2am, anyhow.

another possibility turns out to be that it could be biological.  there are natural changes in hormones like cortisol and gh, at night.  that's part of what makes normal people mostly diurnal.  it's still a guess, but it would be the simplest explanation of all.  i prefer to be up all night, because i just feel like it.

come to think of it, i suspect that's the explanation at the core of a whole lot of what we do.  we like to pretend it's more cerebral than that, but i'm having some serious doubts.  we follow our biological imperatives, we take the opportunities we can, and mostly just use reason to explain why everyone else is doing it wrong.

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