Wednesday, November 26, 2014


Sometimes I wonder if you've noticed that I have nothing.  That I came here, with nothing.  No friends, hardly any belongings.  I had a cat, but he died.  No plans, no hobbies, no interests.

That is pretty strange, right?

People don't seem to quite notice.  They do, in a peripheral sort of way.  They notice that I mope around a lot.  They notice that there are things I should do, that I'm not doing.. but they don't seem to notice that this is because, in a broader inexplicable sense, I don't do things.

Of course, that's not 100% true.  I do this.  I rant about current events.  I even play my guitar a little.  I have no idea how to play a guitar, but I take regular stabs at it, anyhow.  It is one of the few things I do, and, well.. I don't, really.

This sucks.

Oh, and my doctors won't call me back, they won't tell me what's going on.  I don't have a good feeling about this.  I was so close, but it looks like insurance might not be insuring me.

Tuesday, November 18, 2014


There's interesting correlation between emotions and perception. e.g. Eye witness accounts being susceptible to distortions related to emotional state, or when taking hallucinogens, the way emotion can massively impact the nature of the trip.

It occurs to me, to wonder, if hallucination can be emotional, not necessarily perceptual.  Dread, anxiety, hopelessness - does this stuff ever really make much sense?  It is so difficult to explain to people that I know my emotions are blatantly irrational, but I have never known what it's like for that to matter.

Is that really so unusual? Are other people's emotions more tightly bound to reason, such that they need only logic, and whatever ill-conceived distress they felt, simply abates?

I'm a little doubtful. As neurotic as I may be, I'm more inclined to think that the deficit might not be one of rational accuracy, only in what a pain in the ass this particular strain of hallucination is to deal with.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

prior authorization

So, in my latest efforts to do something about all this, I've finally got a prescription for Omnitrope - but now it's stuck in the limbo of "prior authorization." From what I can tell, a secondary line of defense insurance companies have against paying for anything.

A prescription isn't good enough, they have to make sure the doctor actually meant it, in an extra step the insurance company can scrutinize.  It appears to be an opportunity for them to question the doctor's decision, and recommend aspirin, instead.

For some reason, the pharmacy gets the prescription, but doesn't have any info on the doctor that gave it to them.  They had to ask me, and I don't have that, because UMDNJ has this confusing teaching clinic setup, where the doctor listed on my appointments isn't the fledgling doctor who I see, whose name and contact info I've never been given.

Still, I can't seem to help but notice that I'm the common denominator, here.  I never seem to understand how to handle these problems.  It takes everything I've got just to get the basic steps done, and somehow along the way, I miss all sorts of important details.

I tried to get to sleep early again, only to find myself unable to sleep at all, three hours later.  I'll probably end up being up most of the night again - but, suddenly with the idea to give the pharmacy the number my doctor left on a phone message to me, as that might be the right one.  I might have given CVS the wrong number to call, because, how the hell was I supposed to know.

It isn't just about having the idea, though.  It's like suddenly I'm clear headed enough to know what I should have done, not sure why I didn't, motivated enough to actually do it.. but can't do it right now.  And fuck, isn't this when I'm supposed to be sleeping, so I won't be so tired all day?

Where do this differences in mental states come from?  Why does the fog only lift at the most inopportune times?  Is this my limbic system, finally kicking into action three days later than it's supposed to, or what?

Saturday, November 8, 2014

understanding why matters

I spend the vast majority of my time on the computer.  To those who neither know nor care why, it might seem safe to assume that it's because that's what I like doing.  A simple albeit questionable choice, to do what I enjoy.

This is not the case.  Most my time spent on the computer, I'm actually not enjoying it at all.  I'm bored out of my mind, and desperately wishing I could be doing something else.  There's a whole world out there, I'm sure as hell not unaware of that.

No, I spend all my time on the computer, because it helps me stay awake, better than anything else.  It allows me to physically rest, while keeping my mind engaged.  Not merely occupied, that isn't even enough.  I have trouble watching TV or reading books, because it quickly devolves into a battle to pay attention, and in turn, to even keep my eyes open. I used to be an avid reader, and that has been a massive loss for me, but I need more interactivity than that.  My whole life has been rechanneled into the struggle to stay awake.

This has a lot to do with all sorts of things I don't do.  Whether it's going to a museum, or going to visit people, or whatever else it just seems unfathomable that I don't do - it's because all sorts of activities become a whole lot less enjoyable, to have to do them in spite of this incessant burden of exhaustion.

Yes, I can do things.  At any given moment, I am physically capable of pulling it together, and doing this or that - but only for a little while, before becoming overwhelmed, and no, I'm not going to feel better, once I get moving.  That energy you get from being active is part of an endocrine process that must be awfully nice to be able to take for granted.

For me, doing just about anything for too long is going to be a decidedly unpleasant struggle, and I'm very likely longing to get back to my bedroom, the entire time.  All the social anxiety I feel is compounded by this, a vicious cycle, as I'm ashamed of being such a basket-case, and further exhausted by trying to hide it all, while navigating that anxiety.

As should be pretty understandable, this heavily interferes with how rewarding such experiences are for me, but of course, some things are worth doing anyhow.  I try to do what I can, when I can.  If I did let this get the better of me, I wouldn't get out of bed much at all.  This actually is me being successful, as hard as that may be to believe, for those who prefer to not to know what I go through.

It's all relative.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

transcending transcience

"You read something which you thought only happened to you, and you discovered it happened 100 years ago to Dostoevsky. This is a very great liberation for the suffering, struggling person, who always thinks that he is alone. This is why art is important. Art would not be important if life were not important, and life is important."
 - James Baldwin