Saturday, November 8, 2014

understanding why matters

I spend the vast majority of my time on the computer.  To those who neither know nor care why, it might seem safe to assume that it's because that's what I like doing.  A simple albeit questionable choice, to do what I enjoy.

This is not the case.  Most my time spent on the computer, I'm actually not enjoying it at all.  I'm bored out of my mind, and desperately wishing I could be doing something else.  There's a whole world out there, I'm sure as hell not unaware of that.

No, I spend all my time on the computer, because it helps me stay awake, better than anything else.  It allows me to physically rest, while keeping my mind engaged.  Not merely occupied, that isn't even enough.  I have trouble watching TV or reading books, because it quickly devolves into a battle to pay attention, and in turn, to even keep my eyes open. I used to be an avid reader, and that has been a massive loss for me, but I need more interactivity than that.  My whole life has been rechanneled into the struggle to stay awake.

This has a lot to do with all sorts of things I don't do.  Whether it's going to a museum, or going to visit people, or whatever else it just seems unfathomable that I don't do - it's because all sorts of activities become a whole lot less enjoyable, to have to do them in spite of this incessant burden of exhaustion.

Yes, I can do things.  At any given moment, I am physically capable of pulling it together, and doing this or that - but only for a little while, before becoming overwhelmed, and no, I'm not going to feel better, once I get moving.  That energy you get from being active is part of an endocrine process that must be awfully nice to be able to take for granted.

For me, doing just about anything for too long is going to be a decidedly unpleasant struggle, and I'm very likely longing to get back to my bedroom, the entire time.  All the social anxiety I feel is compounded by this, a vicious cycle, as I'm ashamed of being such a basket-case, and further exhausted by trying to hide it all, while navigating that anxiety.

As should be pretty understandable, this heavily interferes with how rewarding such experiences are for me, but of course, some things are worth doing anyhow.  I try to do what I can, when I can.  If I did let this get the better of me, I wouldn't get out of bed much at all.  This actually is me being successful, as hard as that may be to believe, for those who prefer to not to know what I go through.

It's all relative.

No comments: