Sunday, December 21, 2014

hypnopompic thrall

I hate waking up.  I hate it so much that I sometimes decide to forgo sleep entirely, so that maybe I can just skip the whole bit, for a day.  It never works though.  A few hours later, I hate being so tired, as much as I hate waking up.

Instead of even enjoying sleep, when I'm finally ready to give in to it, I just lay there dreading what's going to hit me in roughly the blink of an eye.

I know, lots of people hate waking up.  Lots of people get depressed sometimes.  Lots of people get nervous.  Lots of people nothing.  Argumentum ad populum en masse ignorantiam?  A logical fallacy that shouldn't have to be explained.  Differences of degrees need only be possible to make those statements meaningless, and that it is at least possible, should be pretty indisputable.. but sure, despite all this nonsense about hormones and shit, I'm just being lazy and whiny.

I've always had doubt as to whether I'm at all diurnal, seeming to go beyond even being a mere night person.  Now, I learn that what makes people diurnal might be related to pituitary function.  So, sure, maybe a coincidence, but really?  For whatever reason, I don't seem to have any sort of internal clock that makes any sense, whatsoever.

I've dealt with this, most of my life, by sleeping whenever I feel like it.  I end up sleeping no more than eight hours a day or so on average, but at all different times, day or night.  Then, waking up is sometimes kind of nice.  Sometimes it even happens at the crack of dawn.  Coffee can taste especially good at that time, for some reason.  Other times, it can still be pretty rough, and coffee is about as enjoyable as decaffeinated mud - but not every damn day, like this.

I can't do that, here.  It wouldn't be proper.  This is part of why I've been so pissy, for the past six months.  This situation is making me insane.

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