Monday, December 15, 2014

what's wrong with me

this isn't a question i've ever been able to answer, really.  i really wanted to be able to live a life, where i could simply say this is just who i am, there is nothing wrong with me, but it turns out that i am way too alone in the world for that.

if i can't take care of myself, and no one is going to take care of me, that is about as fundamental as it gets, as far as, yes, i have a serious problem.  i don't even have the luxury of just trying to figure out how to be happy, in spite of everything, anymore.

that i should believe in myself, exactly as i am, this is a nice sentiment and all, but if the only solution is for my life to come to a whimpering end, i'm going to have to say fuck that.  no, and if anyone wants to suggest that retiring to florida with my mother would be better than stepping in front of a train, i'm going to have to say, fuck that, too.  that isn't believing in me, so much as thinking remarkably little of me, and what i'm capable of.  might as well tell me that my life is over, already.

what am i capable of, though?  this is the question at the heart of trying to figure out what's wrong with a person.  disability being a limitation of capability.  i wasn't capable of taking the normal steps people take for granted, to integrate into society.  i didn't feel capable of all sorts normal things people do, on their way to adulthood.

some naturally focus on that lack of confidence, and think that's the problem right there - the only thing that's wrong with me is that i think something is wrong with me!  seriously though.  i'm not an idiot.  if i lacked self-confidence, it was because i made an informed assessment of my prospects and deemed them terrible.  if you don't know what i go through, it's just naive to figure i was all that wrong.  i did what i could.  i do what i can.

there are so many factors involved in who we are, and what we can accomplish, but when i look back on my life and how dysfunctional it's been.. honestly, i don't get it, either.  i don't know what's wrong with me - but, the bottom line lies in the facts, the overwhelming amount of nothing i've done in my life.  not in what i should do, or what i theoretically could have done differently, but in how it's actually played out.  not just in the obvious sense, but in my complete failure to find any sort of social niche for myself.  it has not been ok, at all.

trying to pretend otherwise seemed like a reasonable tactic for a while, but that's failed, too.  i'm finally starting growth hormone therapy again, but i am terrified that it won't be enough.  is it too late for me to grow up?  this is my last resort.

i'm afraid i've reached a point in my life, where i have no other choice.  sink or swim sounds like a great idea, until the sinking part happens.

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