Thursday, January 15, 2015

turning point

Social security just sent me a letter, telling me that they've been underpaying me for a few years.  Yeah, tell me about it, right?  Except, no, literally.  Due to some weird complication related to my parents and their retirement status.  I don't even entirely understand it, but they've reimbursed me to the order of a few thousand dollars.

More money than I've ever seen in my life.  I feel like there must be something I can do with it, something that will get me back on my feet, out of this hole I've fallen into.  I'm not about to spend it on anything else, and no, you can't borrow it, but I'm not sure what I can use it for.  Relatively speaking, it's still a pittance.  

What can I do?  Put a down payment on a tiny shack in the middle of nowhere?  Hopefully, I'll think of something - before they decide I now have too much money, and take it all away.

I know, it must seem like I'm terribly lucky not to have any expenses.  That I can have this money, and not even know how to spend it.  What an absurd way of looking at it, though.  I've been so deep in poverty all my life, that I own nothing, I owe nothing.  I just need a stable place to live.  Desperately.

It seems like there should be a market for micro-homes or shoebox condos.  Some way to buy some tiny little piece of property, so the poor wouldn't have to give everything they have in monthly payments to wealthy landowners.  That just doesn't feel very 21st century, you know?

I've also been taking my starter dose of Omnitrope for a month now, and for a while, was feeling pretty depressed that nothing seemed to be happening.  I know it's supposed to take a while, and I know the dosage is very low, but still..

More recently though, my mood has been improving, I feel a little more focused, waking up has been easier, I've been running regularly, and my stamina seems to be better.  Each day I run, I feel like I'm able to go a little further than the last, whereas before, it felt like I never made any progress at all.  This is how exercise is supposed to work, I've heard.

Now and then, Marty asks me what I'm doing about getting myself out of their house, and I haven't known what to say.  Nothing.  I try not to collapse right then and there in a sobbing heap.  I don't want to admit that I actually do have a plan of sorts, because it wouldn't go over very well.

My plan has been to wait.  I actually have been doing quite a lot, trying to deal with doctors, insurance, social security, and everything - but, mostly I just hang out, reading news, and thumbing things up on facebook.  None of this is going earn me a living, or get me a place to live.  In that respect, I'm just waiting for opportunity to present itself.  That is exactly how I've always gotten anywhere.

All my life, I've felt like things seem to have a way of working out eventually, but I have no idea how to be proactive about it.  I just hang in there, until I get a chance.  Understandably, this is patently unacceptable to many people.. but crazy as it may be, things seem to be coming together for me.  Hopefully.

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