Sunday, February 1, 2015

like night and day

Since I've been taking Omnitrope, I've noticed a few subtle improvements.  Nothing dramatic, with one exception.  Something I didn't even expect.  For over a month now, I go to bed at night, I wake up in the morning.  Without even trying.

It sounds so mundane.  It sounds like it should be a small thing, something I could have been able to do all along, if only I put a modicum of effort into it.  In reality, it's something I've been expending all sorts of effort on, for my entire adult life, with only the most sporadic fleeting success.

Advice for this is pretty straight forward.  Get into a routine, stop staying up so late, stop sleeping during the day, and my circadian rhythms will adjust.  How could it be any more complicated than that?  Well, the fact of the matter was that I tried like hell, and it was never that simple.  It was as if I had no circadian clock to set.  I'd manage it for a few days at a time, but never ever more than that.

Now, suddenly, it's no problem.  Even if I stay up late now and then, the whole thing doesn't fall apart, like I keep fearing it will.  I still get up the next morning, like a normal person.

Here's what really pisses me off, though.  I have been tormented, all my life, not only by the problems this has caused me, and feeling like shit all the time, but by the sentiment that it was my own damn fault.  That I wasn't trying.  That I was doing something wrong.  That I just needed to be more optimistic, or believe in my ability to change, or stop being so fucking lazy.  Or maybe see a therapist, a more tactful way of saying all of the above.

Talk about adding insult to injury.  People are such assholes.

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