Tuesday, January 6, 2015

the loner's dilemma

Nan and Marty occasionally invite me to things.  I always feel like I should say yes.  Sometimes it's more difficult than others.  How social will it be, how many hours, how entertaining.  Exactly how excruciatingly bored and anxious are we talking about here?

Will I enjoy it?  Well, no, of course not.  That feels like an insulting thing to say, but why should it be?  I'm the one who can't enjoy the things other people do.  I'm the one who suffers through the revelry others appreciate.  It's not like I'm looking down my nose at this stuff, I've just never been able to enjoy any of it.  Why do I feel like I should feel guilty about that, on top of being screwed out of the enjoyment others take for granted?

The question remains though, of what to do about it.  I should keep trying, because it's good for me, right?  I never know, this time, maybe I will find something enjoyable about it, right?  Most of all, I have no other options.  I can sit home by myself, but that's what I do all day every day.  It seems, if for no other reason, I should accept these invitations just for the change of scenery.

I am so lonely, no matter what I do.. but sure, let's make it even more painful and awkward, maybe that will help.  I mean, seriously, there is a slim chance that it is better than doing nothing about it, at all.

I guess.

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