Sunday, March 22, 2015

ahiṃsā

My positions regarding might seem inconsistent at times, but "violence" is really a pretty vague term, running a wide gamut.  I can't say that I'm entirely against violence.  I like some violence, like kickboxing.  I tolerate some violence, rioting, and the like.

Other violence though.. I have a very basic line, when it comes to whether I vehemently condemn it out of hand, or not.

Are you trying to kill or maim defenseless people?

I specify killing and maiming, because that goes straight to the severity of the issue.  If you get in a fist-fight, you'd better be hitting someone who's hitting back, but it's not the same as shooting someone.  If we're talking about some lesser violence, breaking shit, disturbing the peace, eh, maybe you have a reason.  We can get into that.  Not necessarily that I'll approve, but I'll think about it.  Maybe not change my stance on an issue over it.

It can get a little more complicated, though, when we define a term like "defenseless."  Others might use the term "innocent," which sounds almost the same.  Just, much more subjective.  I'm just thinking about it in fairly straight-forward terms.  Are we talking about individuals who are otherwise likely to do some maiming or killing, themselves?  I'm really talking about people who are well armed and aggressively combative, but "defenseless" feels close enough.

If we're talking about intent, it gets even trickier, for me.  Does it require said violence to be a goal, or merely the awareness that it will be an outcome?  Broken eggs, collateral damage, and all that.. I have to think about it, but I still come down to that same basic line.  Recklessness is not intent.  This does not mean I'm at all likely to approve, it just means I'll consider it.  That is, you'd better have a damn good reason.  An ethical reason.  A verifiable reason.  A genuinely honest reason.. but, I will consider it.

If you're over that line though, no, there is just no way I'm going to come down on your side.  You can't shoot at people, who aren't shooting at anyone.  If you do, it makes you wrong about pretty much everything.

Sunday, March 15, 2015

i just want to go home

It turns out, being homeless is pretty unpleasant.  Granted, I have access to the amenities of decent shelter, a warm bed, running water, a computer.  I don't mean that my plight compares with those who have none of that.  Only that, on the other hand, the phrase "going home," for example, has no meaning for me.

That despite having a place to stay, it isn't my place, it's as temporary as possible.  I can't call it home, and this turns out to be a difficult piece of my psyche to have gone missing.  I don't even have a hometown.  There is nowhere in the world where I could arrive on familiar streets, and feel that I am home.

I have nowhere to go.  Nowhere that would feel safe and familiar and mine.  I am too broken to do anything about it.  I'm trying so hard not to get depressed, but this is really depressing.  Especially for an agoraphobe like me.

Saturday, March 14, 2015

3.14.15 9:26

People seem to like me more, when I'm stoned.  I understand that this may have more to do with my perception being altered.  That is, that people seem to like me more, precisely because I'm stoned.  I don't think that's really it, though.  I've been mindful of the possibility, but there seems to be more going on than that.

I've even noticed that when I go out, cashiers and the like seem to be friendlier.  I've thought a lot about why this is, what inexplicable behavioral change must be induced, that gets a more positive response from people?

Here's the crazy simple truth of the matter, though.  It might simply be that I smile more.  Instead of being sullen and awkward, I nod and smile so much more convincingly, because I'm actually happier.  So people smile back. It makes interaction feel a bit more like it's supposed to.

You know, unless I tell them I'm stoned, and then all the sudden me being happy is a bad thing.