Saturday, April 25, 2015

Dogs it tingling

I've been dogs it tingling for Samara this weekend.  No, no, dog sitting.  I don't have a computer to use, so I'm trying to do this on my phone.   I'm still not really used to this, still experimenting with different input methods. Nothing feels as natural as typing the old fashioned way.

It's interesting how even using speech to text just feels cumbersome. The process of deciding what I want to say out loud interferes with my ability to decide what I want to say. So much more so than typing.

1 TRY using THE STYL U J To WRITE BUT THIS DQGNT SEEM To Work QUITE WELL ENW OGH . ± DONT Fe EL Like spawn diwc, Time ARC CORR ETING ALL these er r ors.~~

Apparently, Android considers my handwriting atrocious.  

So yeah, back to pecking at this tiny keyboard.  Or drawing lines between letters with the stylus, but that only seems marginally faster.   Whatever method I go with, I guess I just need more practice,but for now, composing anything of length is a pain in the ads.
Er, ok sure, that too.  Thanks, auto correct.

Anti how,  it's been really nice having my own private living space foot a few days. I love Marty, and I'm very grateful for the roof over my head. . but.  This past year has been awful.   I feel stressed out all the time. I feel judged for every little thing, and I know it's largely due to my own neurotic obsession with what people think of me, but it doesn't exactly help that I'm living with people who can be, let s just say, a little judgey.

That fear of what people think is a normal survival  instinct we have to avoid being cast from the tribe. Once upon a time, that would be a dearth abbreviation.

A death sentence. How the hell does "sentence" auto-correct to "abbreviation?"

...This instinct, like any organic element in life, can vary widely in degree.  From one person to another, and in me, that normal healthy instinct is, in some ways, seriously excessive.  Even Moorestown. . More so, now that my survival literally does depend on making a good enough impression not be kicked out.

Does that seem crazy? Of course they wouldn't kick me out? Not in such simple terms, but, what if I just lived the way I normally do? Sleeping whenever I feel like it, playing video games all day, being the unrepentant slacker that I am?  Making (what they'd perceive as) no effort to change?

They might not immediately throw me out, but that would lead to social dynamic that would quickly become very negative. Tensions would increase. The end result would be roughly the same.  Especially, the longer I overstay my welcome.  

Is it so wrong for me to be hypervigilant of what people think?  It can actually matter a whole lot, and all these stupid random things can add up to the difference of whether or not people think you're a terrible person.  I've tried so hard to be a good person, and in the end, it seems to matter a whole lot less than my ability to make proper small talk, and not being too overtly bitter and angry about this whole predicament I'm in.

Finally getting treated for AGHD has been a godsend of sorts, a great improvement over how I normally feel.  In past situations, that alone would be something to celebrate.  To appreciate the benefits of.   Its not going to change who I am, though.  It's not going to undo a lifetime of experiences, circumstances, and coping mechanisms. In my current situation, it just seems grossly inadequate.  I'm feeling kinda robbed of how happy I should be about this.

So, it's been nice to just hang out in Samara's apartment, for a few days.  Aside from Abbey and Smokey, her dog and cat, just alone, being shamelessly me. I don't even have my own stuff to do most of what I'd like, but that doesn't seem to matter as much as just being able to feel relaxed in my own skin.

It was also very nice being able to cook a spicy gochujang stir-fry.  The ingredients weren't certified organic, but it was delicious.
 

No comments: