Saturday, April 18, 2015

linear cohesion

My guitar playing has been an interesting metric to use, as I attempt to scour my thoughts and behavior for signs of improvement.  I have this theory (in the very unscientific sense) that hormones influence brain function in ways that medical science has only just begun to sort out.

Our thoughts, feelings, and behaviours all begin with chemical impulses in the brain, unquestionably influenced by the physiological differences between one brain and another.

This is not to say that thoughts and behaviours do not also have influence, but that said influence competes or cooperates with physiological predispositions to widely varying degrees.  To put it in simple terms, for one person, smiling may be all it takes to feel more friendly and positive.  For another, that can be woefully inadequate.  Entirely due to physiological differences.

Not to even get into everything else that can play into it; circumstances, upbringing, healthy social integration, etc, etc - because I'm especially focused on the only positive change in my life that's happening right now.  I don't know what to do about my circumstances, in any other respect.  There are obstacles, the same I've been struggling with for a long time, and that hasn't changed.  My IGF1 levels have.

So, aside from reading a bit, getting some regular exercise, learning spanish, and thinking more seriously about maybe getting into the city - I've been playing guitar.  I've been thinking a lot about my unorthodox approach to it, my shrugging off of suggestions that maybe I should take lessons.  Even via YouTube, at least.  I've tried a little, but I hate that.  I just want to play, like a little kid banging on a xylophone.  Course, if that kid keeps at it, they'll still get pretty good eventually.  So even if its not the best way to learn, I might still be getting somewhere.  I just can't tell.  It all feels very random, and disorganized, and immeasurable.

My motivation to create does seem to be improving, though.  Not only that, but I'm having ideas, organizational ideas, that extend beyond just playing note to note, moment to moment.  A faint glimmer of effort to take a specific sounding riff, build on it, combine it with something else.  Create something a little more closely resembling a cohesive song, than just the banging around with notes that sound like they might go together, the way I normally do.

Not only that, but even the recent realization that it's not that difficult to use editing software to help me do it.  Audacity is very straight-forward, whereas a month ago, I just took one look at it, and was all, ah screw it.  Too complicated.  Too many steps to learn.  I almost feel like something is improving, in the way my mind processes motivation.  More easily bridging steps necessary to accomplish an indirect goal.

This is premature, though.  It still feels heavily mired in, not right now.  I'm getting there, I'm making little efforts here and there, but for the most part.. not quite yet.

This sort of over-thinking it may be a whole lot of half-baked desperate grasping for any sense of optimism I can find, but I have read over and over that GH therapy takes a few months to work.  I am obsessed with trying to understand what that means.  Even people who say it takes months to work are oddly vague about what it actually does exactly, when it finally does work  They just feel better.

I'm a little more analytical than that.  Decreased motivation is often listed as a primary symptom, but what does that mean?  How so?  My whole life has been defined by a lack of motivation.  What are the actual parameters I'll need to be navigating here?  Is there a chance this is finally going to get better, or no?

The Journal of Clinical Endocrinology and Metabolism suggests that there's ample reason for hope.

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