Monday, April 6, 2015

neurologistics

I used to phrase things a little differently.  Instead of saying I was overwhelmed by anxiety, I'd say that I was just ridiculously impractical.  I've always had a hard time wrapping my head around the logistics of daily life.  From the steps we have to take, to be functional members of society, to just remembering schedules, or directions.  I'm not a very linear thinker.

What a strange, shapeless reason that is, to have fucked up my life this badly, though.  There must be something more comprehensible to it.  For example, why don't I get a job?  Certainly, I'm very nervous about how that would go, and what it should entail, exactly - but who wouldn't be?  Anyone who's never worked before in their life is going to be a bit nervous about it.  Especially if they've somehow gotten to be forty years old, in the meantime.  It is possible that my anxiety about that is relatively normal.

It's just the only obstacle that's at all discernible.  What else could it be, that keeps me from doing much of anything?  What if I was right, to begin with?  What if I've been mislead by other people, who were just wrong?  Understandably wrong, but wrong, nonetheless?

To try to look at this scientifically, empirically, at the most fundamental evidence of the situation, it is in the straight forward simple facts of how my life's gone.  Each event, the result of something preceding it.  Beneath all our ideas of who we should be, and how life is supposed to go, there are the concrete facts of how it's actually played out.  All the circumstances that go into that.

At what point, did I make that choice?  I'm going to be really really shitty at accomplishing anything at all in life?  You see, I've never been at all confused about this.  I've never been under the impression, that maybe being this much of a fuck up might be a good idea.  It's just never been a fucking choice.

See?  All scientific like.   None of this making shit up everyone does.  I believe in this, I believe in that.  Why?  Because it makes you feel good?  Come on, I'm trying to deal with an actual problem here, and I'm not sure your feelings should be my top priority.  Or yours, honestly.  I mean, that's kind of selfish, you know?

I'm trying to figure out what's so anomalous in my circumstances, that would lead to such an anomalous life.  What must be going so very differently, to steer me so wrong in this world.  It's devastating to be thrown back into the realm of thinking about it as an inadequacy on my part, but my life is coming to an end, if I can't figure something out.  I don't mean that metaphorically.  I don't understand why no one else seems to see how dire this is for me.

Why is it that I can just barely drag myself from moment to moment, never mind plan for anything, or follow steps, or lead anything resembling a normal human life?  What the fuck am I supposed to do?  Nothing, as far as I can see.  This way I have of looking at it all may seem abstract to everyone else, but all the shit people do is so abstract to me.

It's like my head is just always somewhere else.  I'm thinking about things that other people would call abstract.  I can't follow directions, or remember schedules.  I forget, when people tell me things, they're not always just telling me an interesting story.  Sometimes they're giving me logistical life details that can be kind of important.

I never remember shit like that.  I'm distracted by thinking about how they feel about it, or something.  I don't know.  It's not like I don't hear it, or even that I don't process it. It's more that I process it differently.  In a way that doesn't seem to be entirely practical.

I can't help but wonder if this impacts my approach to life, in a very fundamental way, that can seem almost imperceptible.  Of course, I can make an effort to approach circumstances differently, I can take steps to be more organized- I do so all the time, but I suspect that the way the mind works, in all the moments in between, can still have a profound effect on how we live, in a broader overarching sense.

--

Last few days, I've felt like the Omnitrope might be starting to work again.  Running went well, having trouble sleeping, feeling a little less freaked out about the appointments I have, on the 6th, um.. 7th.. 8th ...and 9th.

Wait, what?!

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