Wednesday, April 15, 2015

phobos

Other people's phobias are difficult to understand.  Our own phobias can be difficult to understand, but we tend to be forgiving, anyhow.  Sometimes.  Other times, we can be as brutally intolerant of ourselves as anyone.

These fears that just make no sense, the paralysis, the loss of cognitive faculties, for completely irrational reasons.  How do you reason with someone, when their capacity for reason is being subverted?  How do I reason with myself, when I know damn well that I'm not being reasonable?

It's tricky to even convey how bad it is.  Especially when I'm afraid of actually showing any fear or vulnerability.  I have to be stoic, even as I describe my sheer terror.

I think one problem with social phobia, and the whole "do it anyhow" approach, is that social interaction is much more complex than e.g. a fear of enclosed spaces, or flying, or whatever.  Where doing it anyway involves a single task, something straight-forward to do, and put behind you.  As opposed to a single step, in a vast array of steps, with no end in sight.

It's not like I never take a step.  I feel like I have been, taking step after step, but some of these things I should do are just way too much for me.  I'd rather run into a burning building full of spiders teetering atop a gigantic cliff to save a pitbull - than go apartment hunting, or whatever the hell I'm supposed to do.  I'm realizing that I've even overemphasized the money issue, but that's really the lesser part of it.  A problem, but not a new problem.  Most of my life, I've scraped by, paying my entire income to rent.  It sucks, but that's not the main issue.

The issue is that I can't deal with all the people and social navigation involved.  I don't even know how to convey the fact that I just can't.  I don't understand why nobody seems to have any idea how to help me.  I'm not saying that I feel entitled to anyone doing anything for me.  I'm just saying, clearly, no, I can't do it myself.  Unless there's a third option, I don't know what my family expects.

I'm open to working on these fears of mine, there are all sorts of ways I can go about that.  I just really need a place to live, in the meantime.  I'm reluctant to even get involved in anything, because I don't know if I'm even going to be here, much longer.  It's difficult to think about planting roots, when I don't have any stable ground under my feet.

It's also a bit strange that I have very little reason to be here, as opposed to anywhere else.  So little, that I feel like I could just move anywhere, if only I could handle the process of doing it.  Surely, there are more affordable places than Montclair, that wouldn't be as horrific as Florida.

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