Thursday, April 9, 2015

role models

When my mom left my dad, she took Ariel and I, and found her own place, leaving him to suddenly have to figure his own life out, for himself.  For a while, he sat in the Fogel's basement doing nothing, just smoking cigarettes in the dark, and no one seemed to know what to make of that.  Coincidentally, now here I am, but unlike him, I have nowhere else to go.

At some point he tried to hitchhike across the country, and that just seemed even more crazy.  In retrospect, I realize that he must have had no idea what he should do.  He was just taking whatever action he could think of, because he had no choices.  His life was gone, he had to pick himself up and start a new one, but had no idea how to go about doing that.

He ended up moving back in with his parents, at about the same age I am now.  From what I understand, he had some career counselling, was given a suggestion, and was basically just like, fine, whatever.  Medical technology it is.

So, living in his parents basement, he spent the next four years going to college.  Not because it's what he really wanted to do, but because that's what he was told to do, and it was more a matter of survival, to just go along with that.  Ultimately, he never really got much of a life back, but he did survive.  He rode that out, doing a job he hated for a while, living where he could, and now, he's a miserable retired alcoholic living in my sister's basement.

He'd always get mad at me, when he saw me imitating him, when I was little.  It would really irk him, that I'd sit like him, or talk like him.  His concern that I was copying him seemed awfully juvenile to me at the time - yes, even though I was the six year old - but now, I'm not so sure I blame him.

I don't even have parents who can take me in, the way his did.  Back in the town he grew up in, no less.  It's hard to even imagine.  I don't feel quite so well connected to the five or six different towns I grew up in. Anyhow, nobody is going to put me through college like that.  I'm not sure it's even feasible, these days.  Even if I had that sort of stable cohesive family, going to college seems like more of a luxury than it used to be.  I've been left to get my life together in a similar sort of way, but without anyone helping me do it.  Without guidance or support.

Nobody seems to have any idea what I should do.  Nobody has any idea what to even suggest.  My experience must be so foreign to everyone.  Either that, or they're as lost as I, and don't even know it - but that sounds all existentialist, while I'm actually in serious trouble, here.

I have to find my own place to live, at least.  That's all anyone seems to really care about.  Getting me out of here.  Now, I'm trying to figure out how to apply for Section 8 housing, so that I can disappear into a little hole in the wall, while everyone I know moves away.  Seriously, they're talking about upstate NY or Vermont.  It's looking like that might be the best case scenario.  It's going to work out just great for me, I'm sure.

As for the Omnitrope, insurance is finally all sorted out for now, and it seems to be helping, but I'm afraid it's just too little, too late.

* later.. *

I realize that's a very negative outlook, indicative of depression.  On the other hand, I just went for a run.  I've been doing that much more regularly than I'm able to, normally.  As the Omnitrope starts to work again, I've been getting daily exercise again.  That, in turn, helps me feel better, too.  Physically and emotionally.

I'm starting to feel a little more motivated, and that could lead to any number of things.  Maybe this is just the beginning of me getting the ball rolling, and I just have to be patient.  As dealing with insurance and doctors has been dragged for almost a year now, I'm only just now finally getting started.  For a little while longer, I can try to hang on to the hope that this is going to make all the difference.

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