Sunday, May 31, 2015

two steps forward...

I guess one major reason I've been getting more depressed again is that social security only sent me $600 last month.  I have no idea why.  I didn't even call them to find out. I know this sounds pretty stupid, but I've been hoping it was a fluke.

Obviously, my number one reason for not doing anything about it is that talking to people scares the hell out of me.  If there's anything I have to do which might involve talking to people, fuck it.  Maybe when I'm feeling better.  Maybe I'll figure something else out, in the meantime.  Mostly though, just fuck it.

Especially people who can say no to me, regarding something important.  Like, can I rent this apartment, can I get treatment for this illness, can I have this job, or can you please just give me the bare minimum I'm going to need to find a place to live?  I'm not trying to buy a house or anything here, just rent a fucking hole in the wall room, with no kitchen, and a shared bath.. and last month, they didn't even give me enough for that much.

Chances are though, they had their reasons.  I can probably find out what those reasons are, but does that mean grounds for an appeal, let alone any sort of immediate correction?  Not likely, no.  They calculate it based on all these factors that are completely removed from what's actually needed to survive.  At the low end of that calculation, it's really just enough money to take the edge off of homelessness, and they keep tweaking and adjusting mine, so that I have no idea how much I'm going to be able to count on.

Or, I'm just doing it wrong.  Not navigating the system adeptly enough to get what I'm supposed to actually be entitled to.  I've tried looking into various services, but it's like a maze of dead ends, and I've basically failed to get anywhere at all.  Either this entire system is a cruel joke on those who really need it, or I'm just fucking it up, because just maybe I'm actually disabled or something.

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