Friday, May 15, 2015

up the creek without a paddle

Ok, so setting aside the discussion of causality and excuses- all the ways in which I completely failed to get myself on any sort of path towards independence.  We can chalk it up to the hurdles of poverty, compounded by mental and physical health problems, or we can just say I fucked up.  I made bad choices.

Fine, regardless, what does that mean, for how I can move forward from here?

Let's imagine I wake up tomorrow, miraculously feeling like I can finally navigate society effectively enough to do anything I might need to do.  I still have no idea what I'm actually supposed to do.  I have no idea how to rectify these bad choices I've apparently made.

Getting a job wouldn't even be realistic.  I have no work history, and no 'skills.'  I learn quickly and could excel at any number of things, but what are my chances of convincing an employer of that?  The only people who would be indiscriminate enough to hire me, would be those filling jobs no one else wants, and there aren't a lot of those around these days.

I'd have to expend all sorts of effort, applying for lots of minimum wage work, where I'd still be just as poor as I am now, only spending all day doing something miserable.  I don't think it would even be a step forward, and would be all too likely to undermine my hypothetical miraculous recovery.  I'm pretty sure that's just being realistic.

Other than that, what options do I actually have?  I can't even afford a place to live, nevermind any sort of skills training or college.  I have no idea what to do.  I'm supposed to stay positive about.. ok, I don't even know what I'm supposed to be positive about.

That I might be able to find a room to rent (i.e. shared bath, no kitchen), that will cost my entire disability check.  That seems like a lateral step, more than any actual progress.  I'll just be trapped in a different situation, where I'll be able to safely veg out all day, without being judged for it, but I'm not sure that wouldn't be just another bad choice I'd be making.  Being alone on disability is apparently untenable, so how do I break free of this?

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