Sunday, June 28, 2015

falling apart

i've spent a huge amount of time in my life, trying to figure things out.  some might question why i do this, some might see it as excuses, this stems from an egregious misjudgement of my condition.  just do it, right?

often i'll refer to my efforts as a means to assess the problem, so that it might be fixed, but the flipside of that is trying to discern if its a problem that cant be fixed.  people think this is defeatist, and seem to prefer sticking to all their awful advice, none of which has ever done anything but make everything worse.  this is not terribly surprising given how obvious it is that they have no clue what i'm going through.  like giving a paraplegic stretching advice, because your legs get stiff sometimes too.

if this is a problem that cant be fixed, its gravely important to understand that.  dragging myself through hell, for a goal that isn't attainable isn't going to make me a better person, it just makes me hate life even more.  forcing myself to be around people, if i have a concrete deficiency in my capacity to socialize isn't going to help me.  there's nothing to learn or get used to.  its just torture.

they say that the longer a person goes without somatropin, the more Quality of Life tends to decline, and the longer they're going to have to be back on it to see any improvement.  it might be difficult for me to dig up a citation though, because everything i've found about this illness has been so sparse.  a comment here, an obscure study there.  all i know is that i'be been on this for months now, and this past month, i've been as miserable as ever.

still running every other day, but that's about it.  i cant deal with anything else.

now i'm going on about oxytocin, instead of somatropin, because it seems a piece of the puzzle is still missing, after all.  a different facet of the same hypopituitarism, but still, feels a lot like grasping at straws.  everyone else just thinks i need to pull harder on my bootstraps, i guess?  maybe it seems crazy that i'm guessing what everyone else thinks, but nobody fucking tells me what they think, nobody knows what to say, so i have little to go on but what's been said in the past.

seems to be a pretty safe bet that when people don't voice their opinions, they either have an offensive opinion better left unsaid, or they don't care enough to have an opinion.  its weird how everyone seemed to forget i existed, while i spent the last 20 years curled up in a fetal position.  only now that i've been thrust back here, is any of this an issue again.  doesn't seem all that crazy to assume nobody fucking cares.

"surround yourself with people who make you feel good about yourself," says a meme on my facebook feed, but for me, there is no such thing.

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