Monday, June 29, 2015

lint deficiency

This weekend was really bad.  I'm aware that most people have no idea what that means, and how hyperbolic it sounds to try to explain it.  Manipulative, even.  I get so tired of trying to explain how dangerously wrong that is.  Hah, "dangerous?"  There I go again, right?  It's not like mental illness has ever actually killed anyone, right?

So anyhow, as usual, I'm trying to figure out why.  What was different.  What did I do differently.  What has made this month different.  Why do I feel better, today.  Even when I went for a run, I had more stamina than I've had in weeks.  Stopped at my usual two miles, but could probably have gone for three, and I wasn't even pacing myself well.

I can see why people come up with all sorts of superstitions, trying to figure out why things go well one day, and not another.  Maybe I was wearing the right pair of socks, and I should start calling them my lucky socks, or something.  Doesn't seem that much crazier than what I am considering.

My doctor suggested taking vitamin D3, so I started that a month ago.  While I'm at it, why don't I take a multivitamin, too, I figured.  And a B-complex.  Sure as hell don't expect that to hurt.. but I Googled it, and there are some supplements that have been linked to aggravating depression.  Folate, for example.  So, I stopped taking the B and the multi, to see if that helps.  Seems like a long shot, it's not like I'm taking megadoses of anything.. but hmm.  Need to see how temporary this improvement is.

It was also grey and rainy this weekend, but nice and sunny today.  Come to think of it, it's been a very rainy month.  I like the rain, but maybe that has something to do with it.  Who the hell knows.

Just seems insane to me that piddling crap like this would matter all that much.  I have this very clear physiological deficiency and getting treated for it should trump all of this other nonsense.  It seems impossible to keep track of all the conditions that people think might cause depression.  You can Google almost anything, and someone somewhere claims it causes depression.

There are probably studies showing a correlation between depression and pocket lint.  I'm so sick of worrying about this shit.

1 comment:

Joshua Abell said...

..but I thought you said you don't have depression, and all that?

I may have misspoke. I'm not sure if that's what I meant at the time. I can see why I might want to exaggerate the point a bit, but to be more accurate, depression isn't even my main concern. Yes, it's really bad sometimes, but other times, my mood is fine. It's sporadic, and does depend on circumstances, to some degree. For the most part, it's manageable, and I wouldn't be that worried about it, if not for how it compounds my other, ever present problem.

That's the part I can't figure out. No matter how much better I feel. My depression comes and goes. Whatever it is that stops me from functioning, from socializing, from accomplishing much of anything. This is something different. It seems impervious to changes in diet, medications, the weather, and pocket lint.

It's like a more concrete part of who I am, but the impact it's had on my life could very well be the cause of the depression, and my ridiculous vulnerability to anything that might aggravate that.

Which is to say, depression isn't something I have, in the sense of being an illness. It's just a symptom. That I most definitely do have.