It's looking more seriously likely that I will be moving to Vermont. Right in Burlington, even. I'm actually pretty excited about it. I always like moving, in a way, frustrated with where I've been, wanting to try somewhere new. Knowing it might be me, my curmudgeonism, following myself everywhere I go, but environment has got to play at least some role in it all.
In this case, an especially bad one. Montclair has been terrible for me, and I am desperate to get out of here, and try somewhere else. Still, wanting to be somewhat discriminating about that, and a small affordable city like Burlington seems like a good bet.
I've accomplished some good here, getting on Omnitrope and all that, but part of why I couldn't bring myself to find a place around here might have had something to do with not really wanting to be here. Being near NYC doesn't mean to me what it used to. For whatever reason, I feel much more positive about Burlington. It just seems like a really nice place.
I feel like I'm just waiting now, to see how it plays out. Not knowing if it will be quick and painless, or drag out for weeks. I could have an apartment lined up already, or for whatever reason, it won't work out, and I'll have to try another, and another, and another.
I don't know how easy it will be to close the deal, from New Jersey. Will I have to answer questions, fill out an application, look the landlord straight in the eye, and promise that I'm not a smoker, or whatever else. Will they be ok, just doing this over the phone. Sending them money, or sending money to my cousin, so that she can pay for it in person. Not even sure she'd be ok with that. Not sure it will matter. Just worrying about anything and everything I can think of.
I feel like I've been just waiting, this entire time here in Montclair. Waiting for some kind of opportunity, anything, but I couldn't figure out anything other than just hanging on. This feels like that opportunity, but it also feels like it couldn't have come much sooner. I'm not sure I could have handled all this six months ago. Maybe that's part of what's changed. Maybe being on the growth hormone for a few months really has helped. It's just been so subtle and gradual, that it's hard to tell sometimes.
Mostly though, I'm just desperately looking forward to finally having my own place again. I have not handled living under someone else's roof very well. I know it's not all their fault. It's been oppressive, but I am all too easily oppressed. I need my own space. Where I can sleep all day, and make my curries as spicy as I want.