Saturday, August 1, 2015

solitary

It seems strange to me, to be challenged on why I would even ask this question.  WTF is wrong with me?  To say that I shouldn't be asking that strongly implies the belief that nothing is "wrong with me" per se, which in turn, suggests that I just need to pull harder on my bootstraps.

I would love to be able to afford a place to live, to be able to drive, to be able to take care of myself, in even the most modest of ways.  To be able to choose where I live.  If I had about 30k a year, I'd feel like a king.  Essentially, I would love to be able to work ..but I can't.  I don't.  I never have.  It's not realistic to tell me I just need to try harder.

Look at any situation, any circumstance, and there are always reasons for it.  It isn't possible to be in a circumstance which is entirely of our own making.

Still, mental illness may not be the only reason, or even the primary reason.  Nor am I talking about my hypopituitarism.  These are contributing factors, but I've been dealt a rough hand, in a whole number of ways, and my life seems to be the outcome of that.  I don't know if any of it can be addressed.  I don't know if any of it ever could have been.  I have no idea what to do.  I don't even know what the problem is.  To be obsessed with trying to figure that out seems pretty damn reasonable to me.

“They were grieving for their lost lives, for their loss of connectedness to the social world and their families outside, and also for their lost selves,” he said. “Most of them really did understand that they had lost who they were, and weren’t sure of who they had become.”
They startled easily, avoided crowds, sought out confined spaces and were overwhelmed by sensory stimulation. 
“They become very impaired in terms of relating to other people,” Dr. Kupers said.

I read an article earlier, about the effects of solitary confinement.  I thought about how I've said that I feel like I'm in a prison no one believes in.  My theories on hormones and neurochemistry inhibiting my ability to connect, compounded by a life that hasn't made it particularly easy.  I find myself wondering if the problem has grown worse, in a way similar to the neurological effects of long term solitary confinement.

I spent years in my bedroom alone, when I was a teenager.  Years alone in Pittsfield.  Much of my life, and even these days, I spend a massive amount of my time alone. I haven't really had any friends or a social life, since I was a kid.

Yet, even more than that, I'm afraid my neurochemistry might be such that I am isolated, even when I'm not.  I don't know how to be any other way, and that's more true now than it's ever been.

No comments: