Monday, August 24, 2015

tick tock

I haven't been blogging much lately.  I haven't much felt like it.  I'm inclined to blame it on the Zoloft, but who knows.  We always want something to blame.  Something to protect ourselves from, rather than just this helpless angst of life going all wrong, and not knowing why, let alone what to do about it.

Depression is so much more insidious than people can fathom.  Even wrestling with it, all my life, it still catches me off guard, all the time.  When I'm caught up in it- it all just makes so much sense.  Like two plus two equals four, cause and effect.  This is life, and it's bested me.

Nothing is going to work out.

I can't find the strength to keep trying.

 It's time to just give up.  Get it over with.  It's where this is going, anyhow.

Whether or not that's rational does hinge an awful lot on one particular line.  I can't find the strength to keep trying - because sure, if I do stop trying?  Yes.  I'm fucked.  No question about that.  I have to keep trying, but I'm seriously not sure I can.

Vermont now?  I have to deal with finding my way across the social safety net all over again, there?  This has been horrible, and it all resulted in a whole lot of nothing.  Is this unique to New Jersey, or is this what I can expect to find anywhere that isn't the middle of nowhere?

I am getting really tired.  I thought taking growth hormone was going to help with this a lot more than it has.  That too, has been seriously fucking depressing.  Regardless of what else I can find to blame for it.

* * *

Believe it or not, that was me trying to look on the bright side, last night.  I was feeling a little more positive, at least enough to try blogging it out a bit.  Glossing over little details, like how I don't really have any footing in Vermont.  I don't know how I'd even get started there.  It might not be an option at all, which would mean that I am simply out of options.

It's not a matter of giving up, so much as having nothing else to even try.  My bus is due any minute.

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