Saturday, October 24, 2015

as good as it gets

At times, I've chalked up the worst of my depression to spending too much time alone.  Not just in a specific social sense, but literally, all day every day, interacting with no one at all.  At times, I've thought that had a lot to do with why I'd fallen into such depression.  Now though, finally, here I am, in my own place.  Completely alone.

..and I'm actually kind of loving it.  I'm not sure what makes the difference, but I'm feeling really happy here, just doing my own thing.  Cooking and cleaning for myself, taking care of my own household, for no one but myself.  I feel like I'm doing pretty well, at least for the time being.  Guess I'll see if it lasts.

Sunday, October 18, 2015

good news, but..

I'm doing pretty well here, so far.  Getting one thing or another done, every day since I've been here.  Whether it's grocery shopping, or dealing with social security, or whatever.  Was doing a lot of walking at first, getting to know the area, getting into Burlington, but got my computer set up now, so sometimes I just settle for making phone calls.

Anyhow, I'm liking the place.  A nice mix of interesting, diverse, liberal, laid back, and affordable, in a nice chilly northern climate.  It seems like somewhere I might stay for a long time.  I can even see myself being happy here.  Kind of lonely, I don't really expect to meet anyone ever again, but fuck it.  I'm tired of giving a damn about that.

Bad news though, just being that I ran out of pot over a month ago, and I'm not sure what to do about it.  Maybe it will be legal after the 2016 elections, but I don't know.  If I don't figure something out soon, I might have to resort to growing my own again.  See, I haven't been posting much, I haven't been playing my guitar, I just haven't felt very creative in any respect.. and I've been drinking more.

I think NOT having cannabis is the gateway drug.  People start looking looking for other things to try.  DXM, painkillers, booze.. all so much worse, and far less likely to do a damn thing for creativity.

Sunday, October 11, 2015


No, that's not gibberish, but the name of the town I now live in.  This is my new home.  It feels a bit surreal, suddenly living in this strange apartment, in this strange new land.  Feels awfully random, as I'd gotten to the point where I just had to find somewhere to go, and just dive in.

My first day here I walked through the pouring rain to the grocery store. I was dismayed to find that the sidewalk ended and had to walk along the side of what was basically a highway, just to get to the nearest supermarket.  Attempting to stock my brand new and very empty kitchen, I got carried away, and bought much more than I should have attempted to carry, especially in the rain, along the shoulder of a highway.  The whole experience did not make for a great first impression.

There are two Asian groceries much closer, which I was looking forward to checking out immediately, but the first one was awful, and the second mediocre.  Oh well.  Was starting to have some doubts about this place, but things have started looking up since then.

Yesterday, my second day here, I went to the nearest drug store, for a variety of other odds and ends I've needed.  Then, the liquor store for some beer- and whoa.  Possibly the best selection I've ever seen.  Just a few blocks away, it's going to really test my willpower.  I tend to have expensive tastes, and I can't afford to be satiating them too regularly.

Today, I went to the Winooski Farmer's Market.  Last one of the season, so despite my anxiety, I had to check it out.  Didn't have the courage to do too much browsing, but this time of year there wasn't much left anyhow.  I bought a 5lb bag of sweet potatoes, and a plate of food from an interesting looking food stall- Street Foods of India.  Was very good, though the menu was confusing, and the portion tiny.

Finally, a cup of coffee, from what appears to be the only real coffee shop in town.  I immediately recognized Morrissey's voice playing over the sound system.  The line was long, and they turned out to be playing a whole album of his.

So now I'm back home.  Finishing my coffee. In my own apartment, still trying to think of ways to make it feel like my own.  I'm still unconvinced, though cautiously optimistic.  I haven't even crossed the river to Burlington, yet. It's just a mile away, but I've been too busy.  I'm feeling pretty sore from lugging heavy bags all over, every day, starting with as many of my worldly possessions as I could bring with me on the bus to get here.

I moved, via bus.  Who does that?  Much simpler than how most people go about it, but a bit disconcerting.  It feels like a very transient thing to do.  Now that I'm here in this bare apartment, I'm trying to think of how I'm going to fill it out.  How I'm going to anchor myself.  Might take a while, but I'm making good progress so far.