Sunday, November 29, 2015

perspective

It's all relative.  I know, much of the world suffers far more than I.  Places where despite being besieged by daily violence, famine, and terrorism, the most common cause of death is diarrhea.  Then living with Nan and Marty for over a year, I realized it can be even worse than that.

Seriously though, I appreciate having my own place, and enough government assistance to eat reasonably well, now.  I appreciate it so much more, having struggled so hard to keep my head above water, with less.

I'm so fucking tired of aiming for any more than this.  I'm just happy to have a place to live.  I'm not so sure that's such a bad thing.  We work with what we can.  The only promise life keeps is suffering.  Appreciate when it gives us a break.

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

happy american genocide day

I was going to head back to Jersey to spend thanksgiving with the family, but realized that I just really don't want to.  It's nothing personal, I just need some time to myself.  The past three months of soIitude haven't been quite enough.

That sounds terrible, I know.  Look at me, isolating.  We all know that can't be healthy.  Especially if you're in the mental health industry.  It's a bad sign.

Oh, fuck off.  I'm tired of this shit.  I know it's not how life's supposed to work, but for the first Thanksgiving in my life, I'm just entirely thankful to be alone.

Friday, November 20, 2015

coming to terms

It's occurred to me that despite my solitude, I don't miss anyone.  I haven't missed anyone in a very long time.  Whenever I'm around people, I just miss being alone.

I've used the metaphor of the hungry ghost, but that might be a little too fantastical to get the point across.  Another way of putting it might be of someone who can't keep food down.  They need to eat, but doing so just results in being sick.  That doesn't change the fact that a person needs nourishment to survive, but they might settle for some rather lackluster way of going about it.  they might give up on the idea of having a great meal, or really enjoying food at all, but that doesn't mean they're drinking Ensure because they love it so much.

Still, it might be for the best to accept it;  To stop putting myself through the torment of trying to socialize, to hold on to hope that any day now, it might turn out differently than it ever has.  To just appreciate my solitude, as best I can.  It's not exactly that I'm content being alone, but that it's sure as hell better than the alternative.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I find you all nauseating.   I just miss my cat.