Friday, November 20, 2015

coming to terms

It's occurred to me that despite my solitude, I don't miss anyone.  I haven't missed anyone in a very long time.  Whenever I'm around people, I just miss being alone.

I've used the metaphor of the hungry ghost, but that might be a little too fantastical to get the point across.  Another way of putting it might be of someone who can't keep food down.  They need to eat, but doing so just results in being sick.  That doesn't change the fact that a person needs nourishment to survive, but they might settle for some rather lackluster way of going about it.  they might give up on the idea of having a great meal, or really enjoying food at all, but that doesn't mean they're drinking Ensure because they love it so much.

Still, it might be for the best to accept it;  To stop putting myself through the torment of trying to socialize, to hold on to hope that any day now, it might turn out differently than it ever has.  To just appreciate my solitude, as best I can.  It's not exactly that I'm content being alone, but that it's sure as hell better than the alternative.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I find you all nauseating.   I just miss my cat.

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