Wednesday, June 15, 2016

the xenophobia of alienation

What is it that draws people towards each other?  What is it that drives us away?  Why is it that sometimes we enjoy the company of some, while the company of others can be so unpleasant?  These seem to be straight-forward questions to most people.  They like people who are A, B, and C.  They hate people for X, Y, and Z reasons.

Maybe they find solidarity in political orientation, or fighting classism, xenophobia, or racism.  Maybe they find cultural affinity in their own racial groups.  Maybe they identify with people who like the same music, the same sports, the same television shows.  Maybe they're just nice to people who are nice, and mean to people who are mean.  Whatever their reasons may be, they don't seem to have much reason to question any of it.  It's cut and dry.  It works for them.

Nothing has worked for me in a very long time.  I had good friends, as a kid.  Friends I made when I was three or four years old.  I stayed friends with them for ten years, without any question, until moving away.  My pituitary imploded when I was about six years old.  I was able to connect prior to that, but it was a lasting connection.  Is that just coincidence?  The pituitary regulates oxytocin getting into the brain.. The "trust" hormone.  Does it all come down to a deep underlying lack of trust for other people?

Growth hormone deficiency also wreaked havoc on my social life growing up.  When I refer to looking three or four years younger than my peers, most people immediately think I was bullied and the like, but I handled that sort of nonsense well enough.  That wasn't the issue.  All through childhood and adolescence, other kids my age didn't see me as one of them, which was much more problematic.  That may have undermined my social connectivity.  Maybe that had more to do with it than oxytocin.  Maybe it's both.

Mostly, I just keep coming back to the A, B, C, X, Y, and Zs, though.  However it may have been set in motion, I learned to go my own way.  I'm not like other people.  I see things differently.  I experience things differently.  My life has been on a very different sort of track.  As if that isn't problematic enough, my interests tend to be on the obscure side.  All of this makes it difficult to relate to anyone.. What do I have in common with anyone?  What am I even supposed to talk about with these people?  How much does all that really matter?

It throws me though, that some people are more "open" than others.  They don't care how different other people are.  We're all human.  They seem to be open to connecting with other people, simply because they're people.  Opposites attract, like-mindedness attracts, everything attracts.  Whatever paths they cross, they make the most of it.  I have little patience for people like that, but still, that just seems really admirable to me.

Why do I have to make anything more of it?  Am I just creating distance between myself and others, that isn't really there?  There is no concrete rule that says we have to be the same, to be able to enjoy each other's company... but that seems to be the way some people are wired, and not others.

I seem to be way at the other end of the spectrum, and I don't know why.  I've spent my whole life trying to figure it out.  At times, I think it's that my neurochemistry is so fucked up, that I can't relate to anyone ever, and maybe that's just the way it is.. but, I don't really believe that.  I can't.  Maybe it's an "all of the above" type of deal.  Not insurmountable, but one hell of an obstacle course.

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