Friday, July 8, 2016

almost there

Just three more days, and I can finally get that labwork that will hopefully show my doc that I need a more serious dosage, and things will finally start looking up, here.  Not only that, but my plants are about to start flowering, and the mycelium caked rye should start showing pins, any day now.

Sometimes it seems like everything converges at once, as if it was all just meant to be - and then various things go wrong, none of it works out, and I end up waiting another few months for something else.  Eventually years go by.  I think I've spent most of my life waiting for things.

My mom is coming to visit too, although she isn't coming to visit me.  She's coming to see my cousin's newborn for the first time.  My cousin, who literally lives just around the corner, who I never see.  I've only seen her newborn once myself.  It's frustrating, but I'm terrible at initiating contact.  With anyone at all, ever.

I was hoping to have more interaction with her and her new family, but it hasn't worked out that way.  I can only assume they find it off-putting that I'm so reclusive.  I'm just guessing though.  Maybe they think I'm weird and creepy.  I don't know.  My cousin is pretty shy herself, which means she's not great at taking initiative either, but it also means she could hate me for all I know.  I have no idea.

Now, granted, it's not like we have much of anything in common.  Part of the problem is that I do have very different interests and don't even know what to talk about with them.  Spending time with most people does tend to be awkward and boring, and makes me just want to get back home to do my own thing.. and yet, I miss my family.  I hate losing touch with people entirely.  I want to endure that awkwardness now and then.. just not right now.  Maybe some other time.  Always some other time.

Her kid will be heading off to college before I know it.

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