Wednesday, July 20, 2016

any day now.. any.. day.. now..

So, I've been patient for a while, but sometimes even more patient than I realize I'm being.  It's been nine days since I had that blood work done, and still not a peep from my doctor.  She almost certainly has the results.  She's just not doing anything with them.  Will she make me wait indefinitely, until I call and ask what the hell's going on?

Why?  I think it's because she's a lousy doctor who just doesn't really give a damn.  I should be able to just go find another doctor, but the way medical insurance is set up, it's difficult.  I don't even know if it's possible, but I do know it limits my choices, might not help at all, and could even delay getting treated even more.  I could look into it, because maybe I'm wrong about all of that, but I hate dealing with things.

I celebrate what an ambitious and responsible person I am, every time I pay my electric bill.  I set the bar pretty low these days, but, relatively speaking, I'm doing pretty well, and I think that has something to do with it.  Sometimes it feels like I hardly even have depression anymore.  Sure, I have these secondary symptoms that look a whole lot like depression.. but I'm not actually depressed.  Not even remotely suicidal, anymore.

I'm just happy that survival isn't such a challenge these days, and I've had it with aiming any higher than that.  If I feel like doing more than this, great.  I've started running again.  I've been regular about it, and that's a good thing.. but I'm not going to push myself to do things I don't feel like doing.  Berating myself just makes me miserable, and I don't feel like being miserable anymore.  Sure, life will pass me by and all that, but ah, fuck it.  That's what life does.

Guess I'll give my doctor another few days.  Two weeks is the most it could possibly take to get those results.

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