Friday, August 26, 2016

a dubious relationship with reality

I've always been an unyielding materialist.  As I understand it, there is a concrete physical reality, and it's absurd to suggest that it would bend to anyone's will, or even that any such concept as will would exist outside of it, in any way.  Everything comes down to physics.  Shouldn't this pretty much go without saying?

Still, that's not to say that I've always valued said concrete reality, the same way.  The concept of value, of what's important and what isn't - this is all just illusive fabrication, anyhow.  Which in turn, is not to say that nothing has value.  More that, value whatever you want.  It's what you're going to do, anyhow.

As such, I grew up thinking that reality was a terrible bore.  I read a lot of fantasy and sci-fi.  I watched a lot of movies.  It all seemed so much more impressive than what I'd experienced of living.  That is pretty much the point, right?  Who would want to read a book about the mundane day-to-day statistically standardized snapshot of your average person's uneventful life?  So we come up with all sorts of stories that appeal to our bored and discontented natures.  Imagination is part of how we can always see how things could be different.  How they could be better.  Imagination drives us to try to make it so.. or to just pretend.  We come up with new technologies, religions, epic stories, and everything in between.

In recent years, I have moved away from that worldly disinterest.  I lost se sen of engagement with books and movies, I even found gaming difficult to get into.  Favoring a game like Civilization the most, for being the complete opposite of immersive.  I didn't want to be pulled out of reality.  I wanted to think about everything from politics to cosmology.  I'd wondered why no one pointed out to me how much more impressive the world could be, if you really pay attention to it.  I thought about how differently my life might have gone, if I'd figured that out a long time ago.

Course, it's not that simple.  I speak in past tense, because my mood seems different lately.  I need a break from it all.  Now, I'm wondering what other factors play into it.  That concrete reality stuff, from the biochemistry of neurotransmitters and hormones, to the ways in which that might be effected by endogenous environmental sensitivity, to the ways in which such factors might have been impacted by what was going on in said environment.  I wonder if it changed because I thought about it differently, or if just maybe, I thought about it differently, because something had changed.

Does it have to be one or the other?  Maybe not, but it's easy to attribute elements of causality to both, and one or the other might be ruled out entirely.  I lean towards thinking it's thought that's more of irrelevant end result of a process that's already happened by the time we think it.  Which could have some pretty important consequences on how we understand this reality we're trying to get by in, here.

I'm back on 0.4mg of Omnitrope, and that should be swinging into effect soon.  I've been gaming almost all day, but I've also been exercising, and looking forward to a new grocery that's supposed to be opening nearby, so that I can eat healthier.  I'm doing these things, as if harboring some optimism that while I just need to crawl back into my cave for a while, I don't expect to stay here, long.

I just need to rest, after many long years of doing nothing.  Then I can properly pull myself together, and resume doing nothing.  I don't know what the hell I'm doing.  I go round and round trying to figure it out, but I'm not sure any of it really matters.  Might as well focus on trying to afford a new spaceship for a while.

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