Wednesday, September 14, 2016

atman

So, after sifting through all that, I am struck by a few things.  First of all, I can see how someone reading it might get the impression that I wasn't really tripping at all.  Just going on like I always do, with maybe a little more fluidity and random jumping around.  It was well within my experience of what shrooms do to me, though.  

I don't really hallucinate much, per se.  I just think a lot, I get really focused.  If I stare at a pattern on the carpet, I might notice that it's moving.  Faces might look oddly caricaturized and alien.  I might notice quirks in colors and lighting. I guess these are hallucinations.  I just don't seem to care that much about them, as they're happening.  I'm too obsessively distracted by this philosophical problem I'm trying to solve. 

Shrooming also skews my perspective in strange ways, and seems to make me prone to making odd logical leaps, assumptions, and conflating incoherent details.  Given my familiarity with all that, I've become somewhat resistant to it, but still left with the obsessive focus.  It was a solid trip though.  It could have been stronger, but it could also have been much weaker.  I was decently fucked up.

Another takeaway though, is the recurring concept by which I conflate the imperative for living, thriving, with the more easily brutalized imperative to believe in who we are.  As if to suggest that part of why I live the way I do, is because this is where my sense of identity has lead me.  That honestly, it hasn't all been about circumstances dumping me here.  I have made a lot of choices along the way too - and call me crazy, but I'm inclined to stand by them.

Not in the sense that this is exactly where I wanted to end up, but that, the manner in which I navigated my life circumstances has been the playing out of all the moving parts that coalesce into my sense of self.   Suggesting that my sense of survival is threatened by the prospect that I might be wrong in some personally fundamental way.  We can be wrong, we can learn and grow, but that if I keep making the same sorts of choices, maybe I don't really think I'm wrong.  

It's not really about being right or wrong, though.  It's about being me.  Believing in being me.  This natural impulse might become hypervigilant after being heavily threatened.  A learned response, as opposed to just this stupid thing I do.  Even the hypervigilance then becomes something that I can believe in, even if it might not appear to be the most healthy approach.  Not a good choice, in an isolated abstract view, but in the context of everything else, a very sensible choice.

It was a bit like an intense therapy session, trying to bolster my own mental health.  Maybe I did have a plan, after all.

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