Sunday, September 4, 2016

building routines

I have nothing to say.  I hate when I have nothing to say.  I feel burned out and withdrawn.  I overthink everything, because I don't understand what I'm going through.  If this is pretty normal, why doesn't anyone else live like me?  I don't understand it.  I don't know what to do about it.  So, I think about it.  A lot.

I'm fine.  Relatively speaking.  Just in some kind of rut.  Is the Omnitrope going to start helping soon?  Am I feeling worse, because I'm no longer deferring self-flagellation?  I just want to have more energy.  The motivation to do things I enjoy doing.  I'm not even aiming particularly high, but I hate being in survival mode.  Every day, more shit I can't deal with, just get through it, hope I feel better tomorrow.  Sometimes I do feel better tomorrow.  Sometimes, I feel worse.  It sure would be nice if I could figure out what makes that difference.

Running is one of the ways I both measure how well I'm doing, as well as give myself something to aim for.  It's one of the easiest rungs to reach, usually, and if I'm at least doing that, I feel like I'm moving in the right direction.. but I've been stumbling a lot.  So far, still too many days, where it just seems like, no fucking way.  Maybe tomorrow.

Cooking is another one, but it requires organization, planning, buying the right groceries, knowing that I'll use them before they perish.  It's more difficult than going for a run.  Lately, I've had to get creative with very little to work with.  When I finally do get shopping, I keep it simple.  I can't be planning anything interesting.  I'm not there, yet.

Another step past that though, would be just being able to read a book.  I don't get why that's become so difficult for me.  I'm not alone in that, really.  There are lots of book hating people out there.  I just wasn't supposed to be one of them.  I wasn't one of them, until I was.  Lots of people hate running, and have no patience for cooking, too.  They often decide they should exercise more, cook more, read more.  They often fail.

This in itself is not uncommon.  What strikes me as less common is for an avid reader to stop reading.  A cooking enthusiast to stop cooking.  Exercising regularly for years, to not exercising at all.  There are elements of pattern, familiarity and ritual to these things people do.  I get so much anxiety about travelling because it disrupts my daily routine, that I've spend months working on building up.  I stop doing things because I lose the continuity of it.   I get back a week later, and should be able to pick up where I left off, but just sort of fall apart instead.

Anyhow, when I have nothing to say, at least I can always overthink why that is.. figure it's a good exercise though.  Maybe if I can get the parts moving, I'll find myself having more to say, tomorrow.  Same reason I run, really.  Just trying like hell to get the parts moving.

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