Why do I ask odd questions, like what it means to best utilize time? Am I just picking random quirky subjects to pontificate uselessly about? Heh, no. That would be annoying, right? No, to sort out cart from horse, here- I notice this irrational undercurrent to my neurotic angst, a sense of wasting time. It seems to underpin some of the issues I have.
I want to understand what it is that's really bothering me so much, because on its face, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense. So, I blog about it. It can be messy and awkward, it can be terrible writing, but sorting through it like this is what I do. I often go weeks without speaking to anyone. When I finally do, it's a cashier, or something. I don't socialize at all. Instead of talking to myself, I blog. It would be great if this produced anything of value, but I'm not exactly counting on it.
So, I get into these odd questions, as if I'm lending them an importance and then getting all worked up over it. No, if this weren't something that were really bothering me, I wouldn't be thinking about it, let alone writing about it. I might be discussing it with people, in some universe where people have those sorts of discussions, but if I have to choose between talking to myself the way that I do, or talking to them, the way that they do? I'll keep my solitude, thanks.
It also helps keep me awake. It's possible that the struggle to stay awake has shaped a whole lot of how I've spent my time, over the years. Maybe it's why I stopped doing all sorts of things. Almost everything put me to sleep, because I was always on the edge of sleep anyhow. A gradual calcification of poor habits, an atrophy of strengths, a slow metamorphosis into this.
This incessant fatigue is exactly what being on GH is supposed to help with, most of all. I have been feeling somewhat better this past week. Oddly so.. but I'm also anxious. It's a relatively subtle change. I don't know how temporary. The old baseline always seems to come creeping back. A bit like an anti-placebo effect, I'm very skeptical, but I'm also feeling better for the time being, and that's not nothing.
My entire life, from how I live to how I think, a product of feeling the way I have. That's not going to change all that easily, or maybe even all that much, but still, finally feeling somewhat better is not nothing.