Monday, October 31, 2016

chemical imbalance

I can't seem to let go of the past.  That whole growing up thing that didn't seem to happen for me.  Childhood, adolescence, I can't get over how wrong it all went.  I can't stop rifling through the memories, trying to make sense of it all.  Could I have done things differently?  Why does it matter?  Why does my mind always end up back there?

Can I do things differently now?  Dissecting the problem always brings me back to the causal chain, it just is what it is.  I thought I'd be able to figure it out eventually.  I thought it was just a matter of hanging in there, getting through it.. but there's nothing to get through.  This is it.  Nothing ever pans out.   Its always my fault one way or another.  Its supposedly my life and all, but I don't remember picking it out.

The Omnitrope sure isn't working any instant miracles, but there's still reason to maintain hope.  It's not like a drug that has an effect.  It's supplementing a deficiency, so results can be extremely gradual.  Though it's nothing miraculous, I am feeling a somewhat better - which can mean that it's not enough to overcome inertia, but maybe I'll handle future opportunities better than past ones.  Maybe if I just hang in there.

Not feeling it, though.   It's not enough to fundamentally change the equation.

I put my fist through quite a few walls, as a kid.  I knew my life was coming off the rails, and couldn't do a thing about it.  Now, I can't even imagine where those rails are supposed to be.  All that's long gone, but I keep going back to it, because I have no idea where else to go.  Beneath it all, still that kid, putting his fist through walls.  I somehow managed to fail at growing up.  How does that even happen.  Given the chance to do it all over again, there's no reason to believe I'd really have any more success.

At the very least, I wish I could just be laid back and positive about it all.  What different does it make.. but no, I don't even get to be that person.

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