Tuesday, February 21, 2017

sobriety

I don't feel like getting stoned.  Now, this might not seem noteworthy, but generally, I always feel like getting stoned.  I wake up in the morning, feeling like I just want anything that will make my day less shitty, and cannabis kind of helps.  Usually.  It's not ideal, and often I don't give in that early, but that feeling rarely goes away.  It's just a matter of wanting some relief, really.  From what, I'm not entirely sure.  It's just this ubiquitous lousiness that so often weighs on me.

Like any good painkiller, there are side-effects, and it's not ideal for that reason, too.  I'm not going to pretend it doesn't impede my functionality.  I could do my dishes, go shopping, or get some exercise.. but I probably won't.  More likely, I just forget why it matters, for a while, but I don't think it really impairs an experienced user all that much.  It's grossly overstated for a few reasons, from inexperienced people assuming that's how it is for everyone, to alcohol and pharmaceutical companies spreading nonsense, because they don't want the competition.

Still, being stoned all the time is a terrible idea, which gets progressively worse as active cannabinoids build up in the system.  Which makes it especially nice that I don't really want to be, anyhow.  Not that I'm giving it up.  Just saving it for more appropriate times, when being a little impaired is entirely rational, and not an act of desperation.

Of course, I have to wonder why.  It's been about two weeks or so.  I've just been feeling better, overall.  Is the Omnitrope finally doing whatever it's supposed to do?  Is it a change in diet?  Is it a fluke that will disappear at any moment, as inexplicably as it appeared?  Every little thing I'm doing differently, the last month or so, I'm afraid to stop doing.

I'm not feeling great, just better, and kind of hoping it keeps moving in this direction.  It would be nice if I knew, if there's anything I could do that might help ensure that's the case.  I still feel like I've got quite a ways to go.

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