Saturday, June 3, 2017

mechanics of ambition

All ideological differences aside, I don't understand how the hell Democrats fucked up this badly.  Lining up behind Clinton, manipulating both primaries, and then losing.. worst strategic blunder I've ever seen in my life.

Even Republicans aren't this stupid.  They tried everything to stop Trump from winning the primary, because they knew, people hate him, and it would cripple the whole party.  People hated Clinton just as much, but lets prop her up against the worst candidate ever and roll the dice anyhow..

WTF #PiedPiper

I'm so glad those fuckers lost.  They deserved to lose ..but enough, that's what Facebook is for.  This is where I tangle things into more complicated knots.  Kyle here is concerned that Clinton might be considering another presidential run.  Thinking about whether that could be true, I tried imagining it from her perspective.  If she's anything like me -wait, scratch that.  She's not.

She's highly ambitious, highly motivated.  What was it Sapolsky said about how dopamine works?  It's all about the anticipation of the reward.  Probable, improbable, doesn't matter at all, so long as you think it's possible.  You keep thinking about that.  It becomes a self-reinforcing pattern, as ambition itself is the true source of the dopamine, not achieving what you think you're striving for.  Just trying is the real reward, as far as the neurochemistry is concerned.

What does that mean, from the perspective of the individual?  She might envision #TheResistance growing stronger and stronger, as Trump's failures accumulate.  The American people finally realizing that she was their salvation all along.  Or at least, coming to their senses, somewhat.  Certainly, there would be plenty of cheering from her supporters, as she rebounds from defeat to save America from Mein Trump!  People around her might put a stop to it this time, but if it were entirely up to her.. eh, she might be that sort of person.

Quite unlike myself.  Thinking about doing things just makes me anxious.  I envision success all the time, and how probable it would be, if it weren't for the fact that I'm not going to do any of it.  Sometimes I do little things, but that's not really the point.  It's like pushing a car without gas.  Yeah, it moves, but it doesn't get very far.

Except under particularly extreme circumstances, it's a lousy pattern that should be self-negating.  My life really wouldn't suck at all, if not for the fact that I make it suck.  The causality of it should fail immediately, in favor of something more effective at getting dopamine flowing.  Or what, some part of my brain just goes, nah, I'd rather feel like crap?  Just tell me which part.  I'll go get the screwdriver.

Life itself should be all the cognitive behavioral therapy a person needs, if their neurochemistry flows properly.  I think we can push ourselves to overcome, to some extent, and that's great and all.. but if such a pattern doesn't form on it's own, it probably needs more than just practice.  If you're not getting that dopamine out of it, you're still going to keep wondering what the fuck's the point, instead of thinking about whatever it is you want to do next.

Constantly at risk of slipping back into old patterns, because that's just the way the neurochemical math works out.  It's all I've got for now, but's not really a solution.

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