Friday, December 1, 2017

social asceticism

Just set the appointment process in motion for both counseling and psychiatry.  There's a waiting list, but hopefully I'm at the point where I'm ready to take some real steps towards self sufficiency and maybe even some ambition.  Never seemed to be much point in getting help, just so I might feel better sitting around doing nothing.

In some ways I've spent my entire life fighting not to have to depend on people, with the gigantic caveat being government assistance.  Everything from doing my own therapy, learning to cook my own curries, to cutting my own hair.  I have far more conversations with myself than anyone else.  Emotionally, I'm not accustomed to depending on anyone, but I don't believe that this is ideal.  Honestly, I don't recommend any of this.  Find someone to teach you, if at all possible.

This sort of independence is ironic, because it's forced me to be entirely dependent and trapped wherever I go.  I've always been aware of this, ashamed of it.  I've wanted to do something about it, but it's difficult to honestly look back on my life, and discern whether my excuses for not doing anything about it were any good or not.  In a sense, I've always just needed guidance, to overcome the very real problems I had. Problems no one around me understood.  I've even had to be my own parents.  

Undoubtedly, I've made awful decisions throughout the course of my life, so it's a matter of perspective, but I didn't know better.  It's taken me a long time to learn.  I'm hoping that a professional will be better versed in what my options are, how realistic it would be for me to pursue them.

I've referenced the years I have ahead of me, assuming nothing tragic befalls me in the meantime, but I haven't posted about it's relevance to this.  A major impediment to pursuit of anything ambitious has been that I'm too old.

This is why it matters, how many years I have ahead of me.  If I'll be old and feeble in fifteen years, there's not much point.  I've known people who went back to school at my age, forced to retire for age related health reasons, not all that long after graduating.  If this is going to drag out for another fifty years though, I should really get moving.

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