what is this I don't even

I started keeping a journal when I was about eleven.  I've been writing in it pretty much ever since, though it's taken various forms.  Why?  What am I trying to accomplish?  Am I succeeding?

I'm basically taking notes, scribbling out anything that seems noteworthy.  I must have learned fairly young that it might be a useful technique for figuring out what the fuck is going on. A way of sorting my tangled thoughts, filing them away, in case I need them later. 

It is amazing to me, how much of my life I don't remember.  There's a highlight reel, but what was I doing on Oct. 20th, 2015?  Who the hell knows.  I'm not sure I can recall anything specific that occurred in last year's entire month of October, but if I check what I was writing about, that will probably help.

As I started posting my rambling online, it also became a social act.  Ideally, I hope for others to come along, similarly confounded by life, looking to share notes.  An impulse to reach out for social structure, for reassurance, to figure things out together.  A normal impulse, that plays out somewhat differently for me.

Maybe I'm just crazy, though.  I don't even want to pretend to know, anymore.  Just keep doing what I'm doing, and ah, fuck it.  Whatever.