twice exceptional

I've been fumbling a bit lately, almost dropped the ball on the financial aid for this semester due to misunderstanding what I needed to do.  Doing it at the last minute, waiting for bureaucratic wheels to turn, hoping it's still in time.  I've been laying around most of the month, between semesters, and too injured to train.  Recently increased my dosage of Zoloft to 50mg, as I seem to need it.  My meds person suggested a therapist, too.  With all that's going on in my life, probably a good idea.  My last one fell through for dumb insurance reasons, but I haven't looked for a new one.

He seemed to understand exactly what I meant, about Zoloft insulating me from real deficiencies in my life that erode mental health.  That I'm concerned about depending on it, because it won't work indefinitely.  He cited the view that meds should be used to establish a healthier lifestyle, so that they're no longer needed.  Even had a mnemonic device for it.  Meditation, Exercise, Diet, Socialization.  I think M should be mindfulness, but he said meditation, so whatever.

I'm doing great with the first three, but that last one is a problem, and doesn't seem to be going anywhere.   I'm interacting with people more, but still not liking them a whole lot.  I prefer to be alone over being around people that make me feel lonelier than ever.  Sure, let's try explaining it to a therapist again. This one has specialization in "twice exceptional" kids and the neurotic trainwreck adults they become.  Twice exceptional, being a term coined in the 90's, for gifted sorts with disabilities that screw it all up.  Not that I know anything about that.

I've had to tell this story a handful of times now, about the array of circumstances that have been integral to this recent shift in my life, but until now, I've been leaving out what sure looks to be the greatest part.  Turns out giving up coffee didn't have that much to do with it, but I finally opened up to someone about what did.  Might as well type it out, while I'm at it.  It should add some much needed context to relevant entries a few months ago, that I fear may have been rather cryptic.

Last November, I still had some Zoloft from my old prescription, so when I realized what was going on, I started taking 12.5 mg, immediately.  I set up an appointment to get more.  I knew that I was going to need it.

I've been in a pretty sorry state waiting for my life to come together, since getting back on the Omnitrope.  What's it been now, over two years?  Three?  I've lost track, but waiting was getting very depressing.  It doesn't really work like that, but I didn't know what else to do.  So, it was great to have someone to talk to for a change.  Someone that I actually enjoyed talking to.  Someone that I eventually came to consider a good friend, which is not exactly a term I throw around lightly.

She introduced herself maybe two years ago, and it turned out we had all sorts of common interests and ideas to argue about.  For over a year, we went back and forth, at substantial length and frequency.  She lives in a land over the sea and far far away, and having spent almost twenty more years on this earth than she, I was supposed to be happy for her, when she met someone.  I think she met a whole new social circle of someones too, but we didn't talk about it much, so I'm not sure on the specifics.  I realized why she'd suddenly been brushing me off lately.  Being happy for her would have been easier if not for watching our friendship washed away in the process.

Could I have been stronger and held it together, as would clearly be more appropriate to the situation?  To be entirely honest, no.  I tried like hell to keep it together.  I failed, relatively speaking.  I felt completely alone again.  Abandoned.  I had a bit of a meltdown.  It took me a while to make sense of the situation, but produced some interesting results along the way.  Changed my life even.  I can't live like that anymore.  I'm done with meeting people online.  Hardly even feel like posting anything.  Time to figure out how real life works.

I dealt as best I could, month after month.  For way too long.  It had been three months since I'd gotten a single word from her.  Over six months since we'd had a conversation that wasn't an unpleasant attempt to discuss the situation.  I thought the writing was pretty clearly on the wall, as it were, and it kinda struck a nerve.  We weren't friends anymore, maybe we never were, I don't know.  Maybe I'm just crazy, but at that point, I just needed closure.

Yeah, socialization is a tough one.  People suck.  Not that I blame anyone.  She inspired me to do all this, and I know I'm one of the people who suck, here.  Life is too complicated for petty bullshit.

fucking ribs, goddammit

Spoke too soon last week, on not being injured.  I seem to have costochondritis again.  This time, my sternum.  Much less debilitating overall, being further from my core.  No problems jogging, biking, or even most exercises, so I didn't realize I was injured, but a week later, attempting a single push-up still proves excruciating.

I remember the moment it happened, the sharp pain across my chest during grappling.  Didn't seem bad at the time, seemed fine within a few seconds, but I know, sudden sharp pains like that are a bad sign.  Nothing much to do but wait to see what I can't move, the next morning.

Striking has always been my forte, but I've become determined to get the hang of this ground game stuff.  I know I can overcome my deficiencies with enough practice, but don't think I should risk going to a single class this week.  Again.  This is so frustrating.

AUGUST 26, 2018

Ten days later, I can do five push-ups, but it's still painful.  Concerned I risk making it worse trying to do more. 

Fall semester starts soon.

one semester down

Ok, so just one class, but still.  Pretty big step forward.  The last assignment had me on the ropes, this morning I was rushing to get it looking a little more finished, until I was ten minutes late for class.  I've never done something like that before.  I'm not usually one to be late for anything.  If I couldn't arrive right on time, at a nice calm and leisurely pace, ah screw it, I'm going back to bed.

I considered it, I considered the possibility that I can't do this, but I'd already done it.  I'd thrown together this half-assed presentation at the last minute, and now all I had to do was stand up there and wing it.   Easy, right?  To do well, no.  All sorts of shit could go wrong, but still, not doing it at all would be dumb.  I can do something.  I don't know if it will be any good, but even if I don't find it in me to do my best, per se, I can do something.

In the end, I got A's in everything.  So, yeah.  Now I've got until September before starting full time.  The silver lining to which being that all four classes will probably be easier for me than this one.  All straight forward subjects that I chose for wanting to learn.  Well, except English Comp I, another general requirement, but somehow, I think I might be able to handle that one.  All very basic though.  I might get through it.

Afterwards BJJ again.  MMA yesterday.  I hate that my two favorite MA classes are back to back like that.  I need more time to recover between them.  I thought I might be ready to try both anyhow, so now I'm feeling rather beat up.  My lower back is particularly sore, but I'm pretty sure it's just stressed, nothing out of place, torn, or broken.

This one guy I keep getting paired with, because he's about my height.  He's new, but with prior experience of some sort.  Yay, right?  He's really aggressive, and honestly built way stronger than I am.  Might have been great ten years ago, but I'm struggling to keep up now.  I'll have to see if I can still move tomorrow, but I think I might be ok.  A little beat up, but ok.  No actual injuries.

Plus I've been riding my bike out to this farm once a week, where I get random produce from a free produce for poor people program.  Life does seem to be more interesting lately.

feather weight

Had to sit out a round to catch my breath during BJJ the other day.  Sat next to the instructor who must have thought I was looking discouraged.  Maybe I was.  He tells me I'm  doing well, getting better or whatever.  

We chatted a bit.  I've been practicing the talking out loud to people.  He mentioned weight classes and how there really isn't any way around how much sense they make.  I've come to terms with that.  Size isn't everything but it sure as hell matters.  Height, strength, weight, reach.  I'm a bit short on all of it.

Aside from that though, I'm old but mostly holding my own against all these younger athletically inclined students with fully functioning pituitary glands.  MMA schools are a little different than traditional martial arts in the type of students they attract.  They tend to be stronger, maybe because  MMA can be more daunting.  So, it's an uphill climb, and I've got a long ways to go before I can assess how much skill it will take to make up the difference.

My interest in martial arts has probably always been rooted in wanting to compensate in a primal sort of way.  I've learned a lot about what works and what doesn't.  A whole lot doesn't.  Even as the months go by, I hardly ever submit anyone.  I'm careful when being reckless would be more advantageous.  I wonder how much of a difference being more aggressive would make, but know winning isn't really the point.  I tap easily, and I try not to muscle anything too much.

Which sounds very enlightened and all, but it's not how dopamine pathways work.  Being aggressive creates a positive endocrine feedback loop, when it goes well.  Losing repeatedly means weathering a rather less positive feedback loop.  For the most part, I've learned to set my ego aside.  I lose a lot, but I'm getting better.  I'm in much better shape than I was six months ago.  I don't feel like I fell down a flight of stairs anymore, for days after every class.  Tonight, I got in a few good take-downs, and an armbar.  Transitioned smoothly from a failed kimura.  Mostly lost, but that I'm having any success at all against experienced students is definitely progress. 

As a smaller grappler, there's a principle in BJJ that's especially apt - space is the enemy of leverage.  If you're on wrong side of an already lopsided equation, it's especially important not to give opponents any space, because it amplifies the disparity.

I have a hard time with this.  It's counter-intuitive, but it can be critical to essentially hug everyone, to make the most of leverage.  To be effective, it often has to be done aggressively.  Wrapping myself around a person and not letting go.  Keeping as much of my weight as I can on their upper body to maintain a position, so that I can attempt a submission. 

This is basic, but typing it out, it doesn't seem so crazy- it can be weird.  I've gotten used to it on some levels.  I hardly think anything of getting someone in closed guard or even spider guard, but my arms are more reluctant.  I'm working on it, but talk about exposure therapy.  Especially when it's been like 90° and so humid :(