pandemic airlines

Turns out, I am going to Hawaii, after all. As I told my father, if I feel capable of it, I'll try to get there. Well, some aspects of life have been much better lately, and I am feeling like maybe I can undertake something like being quarantined for a month so that I can spend twenty hours on an airplane during a pandemic to see my father for the last time. I can't wait.

I wanted to be a positive influence and really tried for a while, but then covid happened and he went flying off to Hawaii in the middle of it. Fuck. I just have to accept it, deal with it as it is. I'm leaving mid September. Figured I'd try reading The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying again in the meantime. It's been a few decades, and I don't think I'm doing this right. 

sapolskism

 This is basically my philosophy on life these days. It's also a close parallel to what the diamond sutra says: it is only compassion that separates the Buddhist from the nihilist. Even as you realize none of this is real, and that none of us exist.. suffering still exists. The Bodhisattva vows to keep striving to do something about it.

life..don't talk to me about life

So, my dad calls me at 2:30am a week ago to tell me he's in pretty bad shape. He was rushed to the ER due to a sudden hemoglobin drop, suggesting internal bleeding. He said it was probably his liver, and there wouldn't be anything they could do. I was half asleep and trying to process this. My sister told me it could also be his stomach, and there'd be nothing they could do, either way. 

I spent the next few days a basket case, crying a lot. He wasn't responding to his phone, so I thought he must be doing badly. Day three of not knowing what was going on, he finally sends me this pissy text, because he's upset that I'm having a really difficult time with the prospect of traveling to Hawaii. My sister tells me it was just an endoscopy. They didn't find anything, so they'll try adjusting the chemo.

Did.. he make me think he was dying then leave me hanging like that, because he's upset with me?

...ok.

He really wants me to come visit. Every reason I give feels weak on its own. Other people seem to get the pandemic issue, but for me that's just another compounding factor. I'd go a lot more easily, if that were the only issue. It's also that because of the pandemic, it can't be a short visit. It's also all the way the fuck in Hawaii, so staying for a few days makes no sense.

I can't deal with staying longer. Under better circumstances, it's very difficult to be away from home for more than a few days, but with all the shit going on now, WTF. I just fucking can't. What am I going to do about my 40 plants? Some need to be watered every day. Some need to be watered very carefully. Some are a challenge for me to reach, let alone anyone else. These are plants I've spent the last year taking care of, but sure, they're just plants. If it were the only issue, yeah, let them die, I guess.

I've been trying to get myself to a better place emotionally and logistically so that maybe I could travel. There must be a way to deal with my plants, but it's not just that. It's about abandoning the daily routines that keep me sane, that I've been desperately depending on these past few months. I've been trying to think about how feasible it might be to stay less than a week, despite everything wrong with doing so. Am I even allowed, or does going back to the airport break quarantine?

My father doesn't seem to sympathize. His cancer trumps everything. It's not a fucking competition. I went to visit him for a week out of every month leading up to the pandemic. I was upset he left for Hawaii because I knew that meant I'd probably never see him again. I got to spend a lot of time with him though, and now my sister does.