limerence

Why do I think so obsessively about things, I wonder. Why do I do this to myself. What good can it possibly do.. until the truth finally unfolds and I realize that all this thinking, back and forth across the same ground over and over, actually does what it's supposed to do. All these difficult pieces finally come together in a way that makes sense, allowing me to adapt and move forward rationally, instead of being tossed around by emotions predicated on misunderstanding and delusion.

Even my old therapist was not wrong. He asked if she was already taken, and I dismissed that question as irrelevant. She's unattainable for me regardless, right? Maybe, but if she is taken, indulging these feelings becomes a lot more harmful. I didn't think about that. I didn't want to have to quell something that felt so rare and precious. I didn't want to face the reality of it.

Now I'm paying the price. I let the mask slip, hoping it would be harmless, and that was foolish. She saw enough to cut things off. I can't train with her at all anymore. She won't even talk to me. I was angry for a while, because I took it personally. She doesn't know the truth, she must just think I'm weird and hate me because she's a bitch, right?

No, she's behaving rationally, and I.. was not.

As for moving forward, I'm still leaning towards a careful measure of dishonesty. It seems like the best way to go, because I'm not sure the whole truth is manageable. I want to rewrite the past, even in my own mind, to some degree. It feels close enough to the truth to be possible.

I knew my feelings for her were never real. Limerence is a hell of a drug, and now I have no choice but to quit. If I never had any real romantic interest in her, it is true to say that I've never had romantic interest in anyone. That is the line I'll be going with, if I get the chance. I looked up to her for years, but no, it wasn't romantic. 

Following her around like a puppy dog, being a little too happy with every interaction we had, I completely understand why it looked problematic. I understand why I've even deceived myself, but I can leave that part out, as I rewire my own thinking about it. I understand that if I get the chance to convey this, she might not believe it and still prefer not to engage with me. I won't blame her for that.

I'm sorry for being like this. I wish my life were not so incredibly frustrating, but I'm trying to deal with it as well as I can.